Fart and Laugh

Been busy.

2009-08-17T11:20:00.003-04:00

Sorry, I have not been posting lately I have been very busy and it has just been very consuming... I have been performing, writing op-eds and letters to different periodicals, and traveling; however, soon (Saturday) I will be in oh-so-boring Iowa, where I will have more time.

Spam is a HOOD Delicacy, Internet Pest...

2009-08-09T20:27:00.000-04:00

Spam is a Delicacy

2009-08-09T20:23:00.000-04:00

Spam is a Delicacy

Sorry Y'all!

2009-07-28T02:31:00.001-04:00

I will be bck soon I promise, I'm almost out... I would call you all but I only get 17 seconds on the phone.

Thumb Up Me!

2009-07-21T09:53:00.000-04:00

Who Framed Roger Federer?

2009-07-05T15:21:00.004-04:00

I don't know if you are a tennis fan...

Now that I am sure you are a tennis fan...

Roger Federer can't help but break records. He speaks Swiss German, German, French and English fluently, but can't say "I loss" in any of them. It is quite the linguistic phenomenon. I want to give him a dollar, but I am sure he will be fine without. He is now the greatest tennis player of all-time and will forever be in the discussion for greatest athlete ever.

Can a tennis player be that? I don't think so, it is not physical enough. Other athletes, in contact sports, legacies' have to be judged including the fact that they ran into big uglies at high speeds for their entire careers. It's true, MJ-Shaq. Barry Sanders-anything, including kickers. Barry Bonds-steroid needles and the occasional catcher. Lance Armstrong-pavement. My point is Federer's body is not enduring the stresses of most of the worst world class athletes. I don't if I can compare him to anyone in a real sport. Real sport is war, tennis is war for the officers.

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Eag!

2009-06-30T22:24:00.006-04:00

[Eag] Ha!, that's my nickname. Allow me to explain my absence:

First, I went out of town, for about of a total of six days; I was on a Midwestern tour of my home dogs, and I did a pretty big comedy show as well. It went great, plus I got my granny schwasted on my free drinks.... Good times, bag hangovers.

(pretty bad ones)

Second, I soon was very sick. I was infected with strep from some trashy braud in Ohio playing Beer Pong. I don't make out with trashy brauds often, but I do partner with them in Beer Pong. They handles balls well in the clutch.

See what I mean?

Thirdly, I recently became swamped with legal and medical issues/bills (mostly bills), and I had to position my self to sue... That won't be necessary, my case was successful, hence, my return to the blogosphere. I do need to work on my html code writing and get it poppin' on the Dot Com. Just get your asses ready for something crazy, alot of my blog's plans fell through because of dumbasses, lazies (my other authors), and druggage. I'm back, until further illness.

p.s. to other authors (Varlioli), I really counted on at least two from each of you while I was trippin, sickened, and dickin the law. Dick Cheney that is, he's a lawyer right?

Jaime Foxx and Drake? Digital Girl?

2009-06-17T14:22:00.002-04:00

From Marcus

2009-06-16T01:32:00.001-04:00

I have been working on the new site, it should be up soon. That is why I have not blogged. MY other contributors are M.I.A. if you're in Michigan you need to come see a show!

Red Wings lost. How could I blog?

2009-06-13T12:51:00.000-04:00

Mr. Cruise, Helly Farts

2009-06-12T11:42:00.001-04:00

h

I doubt this is real, but thanks for promoting farting and laughing. It just seemed a little too on cue for him. Tom is not fat enough for that. What do you think?
H

Sarah Palin v. David Letterman . Dun, Dun, Dunnnnnnnnn

2009-06-11T12:20:00.010-04:00

Come on now...

“What a commentary there,” Palin said of the comment during an interview on conservative host John Ziegler’s Los Angeles-based radio show. “That’s pretty pathetic, good ole David Letterman.”

But, on exclusively on FnL, You can hear her response.

Was it that pathetic? Did he say anything about Autism? Are adults that live in the public eye fair game? Do you think Palin is still the most inarticulate Governor? The comment about her going for a "slutty flight attendant" look might have been overboard. However, she should write her thoughts down, in my opinion.

We don't make the calls, we just ask the questions. Please, give us your take!
h

Veteran Imposter a.k.a. Sergeant Swagga Jacka

2009-06-11T01:39:00.012-04:00

Wow, I know the truth hurts, how bad do lies feel? Is this the part where you told America that you shot down the 5th 9/11 plane with the only bullet in a musket you had at your hunting cabin in rural Marland, b/c your grandfather was in the Civil War...

Rick Strandlof, you IGNORANT BASTARD!

How can you fake being a war veteran, are you serious kid? If my pops, an actual veteran of more wars than this [Rick] guy has balls, was still alive, HE WOULD KICK YOUR ARSE RICK!

You suck because you did not even google your lies. The Naval Academy is not in DC, ass. You weren't in the Pentagon on 9/11, ass. Your only mental illness is mental retardation; I'm not sure if it is appropriate to call you an ass for that one, LSD might be to blame. It made me think I was in a war once, but I did not wake up a war vet.

Actually, I'm going to go with 'Meth' on this one, not LSD.

So, I hear you raised a little money for homeless veterans. Also, you raised a litle bit of money for homeless you, how inspiring.

Hey kids, you can skip JROTC and lie about fighting in a war, based on the information you almost got from your teacher but you skipped, so the story eventually won't make sense.

I could take this blog in a rather serious direction about the tradition and honor of the uniforms, but I'd rather elaborate on the orange jumpsuit you are about to wear, ass (I don't say that enough). Mainly, because you never wore the honorable uniform, you just said you did. Anways, check out some famous orange jumpsuits, and possible Soap-Drop Predators.

Before "they" take your cookies Rick, the will bake in a pan made by her, Martha Stewart.

The picture is B&W, but the jumpsuit is completely orange. Promise. Shyne gets out soon...

Remember me? I used to be a brillian actor, then I took a "coke-recess." Post-prison, rehab, I am, once again, a brilliant actor.

Get it bastard! You will be in jail, then you will get released and lie. It's what you do, and I don't hate . But, c'mon man, lie about being smart or something beleivable.

OOOORAH! Wait, do you even know what hat means?

Ten Worst Things in Existence

2009-06-10T05:37:00.000-04:00

A couple years ago, my friends Jordan and Luke spent the week coming up with certain top 10 lists. Since they have exited from the Top 10 list-creating industry, I thought I would give it a whirl. While watching a fork lift today, I realized how much cool stuff there is in the world. From there I tried to think of the Top 10 Coolest Things in Existance. When that failed, I made this list of the Top 10 Worst Things in Existance.

10) First Class Seating. Because rich people cannot be out of their comfort zone of wealth for more than 3 hours at a time.

9) Blogs in which people update about their days. Because no one really cares. At all.

8) Infomercials at 3 a.m. Because no one really needs a 9 piece knife set that can cut through iron pipes.

7) The 9 piece knife set that can cut through iron pipes. Because of you, half-sleeping individuals know for a fact they are going to need to slice their way out of a metal box one day. See also: super-grinding blender, Tony Little’s Gazelle.

6) Seat belt laws. Because these are in existence as a result of the lack of better judgment of human beings.

5) Whatever the hell this is.

4) The Atomic Bomb. Because America gets what America wants.

3) The Electoral College. Because it doesn’t matter if more people vote for someone, flawed systems are more fun.

2) SUVs. Because no one thought gas prices would rise again.

And the number one worse thing in existence:

1) Fox News. Because not only do they say whatever they want, but people actually believe what they say.

Thinking about writing.

2009-06-09T03:01:00.003-04:00

So somebody gave me a compliment on my last blog telling me it was a good stream of consciousness. This is a high compliment to me because I try to write this stuff like I talk, which is hard because none of the stuff ever gets said out loud.

Then I got to thinking, in order for something to be a “good stream of consciousness” the individual writing must not be thinking about making it a stream of consciousness, or else it will seem forced. If something is not coming from the conscious, there are only two possible locations from which it could come.

One possibility is from the unconscious, but I think that is unlikely because I’d be passed out on the keyboard and this post would read something like this:

acilnnirccccuashfjkdlcabbyuoweuinfdklashfueiowqhfeihfasiud
fbdsafgyuerfguiudspoafwioerjb4b4tfuckfdjklahdfudygfdifhjkd
ashfdsfuisdaofdksafdljdklafjkldsnfjifhudhfujklfdopaodkfmfm

I actually rolled my head around on the keyboard to produce that string of text and somehow “fuck” still ended up in the middle of it all. That’s a sign.

The other possible, and more probable option is that a stream of consciousness comes from the sub-conscious. So this means that in writing a stream of consciousness, it must come from the sub-conscious, thereby invalidating the name. It should rightfully be called a stream of sub-conscious (ness?).

But some English maker decided to call it the stream of consciousness. What was their logic?

If they follow the same rules of English as the author of the following note (actual excerpt from facebook), then I can see where the term came from.

"Ok I guess I need to one of these even so often to remind you, WHO FUCK I AM…All I am saying dont fuck forget who I am….No if you fuck me over and/do wrong by me I make sure dont do it again and I promise that people been calling me crazy for years I will show you why I am truly crazy. BTW I AM TRUE BELIEVER IN THE IDEA OF FUCK SAYING FUCK THEY FEELINGS!!"

Yeah! You tell ‘em.

I just realized that in trying to write a stream of consciousness from my sub-conscious, I messed up and made it sound forced. Oh the irony. Stay tuned for my next sub-conscious post.

Hugs Twenty-Five Cents, Sucka!

2009-06-08T13:27:00.002-04:00

Listen here! I am an entrepreneur, and I don't do this for free. I'm slangin' hugs, take em', or leave em. They are currently valued at....

That's pretty clear. If you request a hug, and you're hard to reach, it's going to run you a bit more.

However, if you are hot.... It's all good.

This is Overdue!, better late than never....

2009-06-08T13:01:00.000-04:00

More Mitch, this is some of the great...

2009-06-07T15:05:00.000-04:00

PLEASE FIND!! WILL PAY REWARD!!!

2009-06-04T03:05:00.000-04:00

I am hosting a contest online, THE ULTIMATE MINORITY!

and... I need your help b/c I'm not everyone's Facebook friend. I need someone to bring/photograph for fartandlaugh.com someone who meets the following requirements:

Under 5'6'' tall
Man
Black or illegal Mexican or both!
Jewish
Homosexual
Entree-level employee at a non-profit
Republican (show includes new minority groups too) !

He's such a Jew, I often think his complexion is foundation!

That's right all of that stuff, I'm too lazy to retype it. Or, look up that far for that matter, I refuse to scroll to see the first two. Weren't 1 & 2 like Female Nascar driver and Black Nascar driver?
Sounds legit.

I have a lot of respect for the dude, despite the disrespectful nature of his blog.

Not as legit as that "Tom Cruse" that sells "hoverounds..."

I will pay $10 to the first guy who finds me a short, black, gay, Jew, that works for a non profit.

Yea, I'm gonna need change.... Sorry...

Previews to the Contest: Ultimate Minority, coming soon.

Europe > America

2009-06-03T23:19:00.000-04:00

(new author)

America is widely known as the greatest nation in the world. While some believe this with an undoubted assurance (see: Republican Party, hillbillies), there are those of us that cannot imagine why, specifically those that understand how Fox News is complete bull. Why we might seem pretty good at times, democracy and baseball come to mind, we really aren’t all that good. I’m not gonna bring our economy into it (because it’s a worldwide recession) nor us electing George Bush twice (every country has a dark point in its history), but I’m gonna relate it to sports. Here’s why.

Number 1: The word “big” is a perfectly acceptable nickname for a sports star: i.e. Big Papi (sure hes not from America, but he’s here now), and Big Baby (both the basketball and the football player). This shows that an extra Big Mac here and there and here and there is ok, and this encourages the kids….to eat. You won’t see that in Europe.

Number 2: In America, smashing people is a great excuse for a sport, just throw some pads in there. Don’t get me wrong, I love big hits in football and hockey, not to mention hockey is the only sport where fighting is acceptable while still able to stay in the game. But imagine these men when they retire. Their brains must be smashed to a pulp; this could be why kids sit in front of the T.V. all day. They're trying to aspire to be like their role models once they retire. Last time I checked, neither football nor hockey is too popular in Europe (don’t try to correct my grammar, Microsoft Word spell checked it).

Number 3: Nascar is a sport. Sure, Europe has Formula 1 and stuff, but at least those drivers can turn both ways. How much skill does it take to drive straight and hang a left? Imagine those guys driving in the real world. A curve to the right on the highway would cause a multiple car pile up. Not a good idea. In addition to it not being difficult in the slightest, Nascar can also literally kill you. I talked with Fart and Laughs own Luke the Statistician, and he determined that cars are the number 1 killer of people in this country (I don't know how accurate that could be, he hasnt graduated with his Statistician degree just yet). In any event, they kill a lot of people. So why even do it if it risks death?

I have figured out one thing to solve all of this: get good at soccer. This is the biggest sport in the world as far as publicity is concerned, so if they’re looking for a upped T.V. ratings, soccer is the way to go. This solves a couple of the issues I presented.

Have you ever seen a fat soccer player? NO. Have you ever tried to do a bicycle kick? Now add 200 pounds and try to do it, you can’t even get to the ball quick enough. Obesity problem solved.

Soccer is the most non-contact sport ever, except for the watered down version of basketball they now call the NBA, where you can’t look sideways at LeBron James without getting a technical flagrant 2 foul and a 3 game suspension plus a fine and multiple days of ridicule on Sportscenter. All these retired football players (I’m gonna start using the word football because it applies to soccer WAY more than American football. Hey, there’s another good reason America sucks, they can’t even name their sports in a way that pertains to the content of the sport. Wtf does soccer even mean?) are fine in their old age, no brain damage to speak of, AND they’re still in good shape. American football players cannot say the same.
Ok, Nascar and football are not related in any way at all, but the fact that Nascar exists as a “sport” just urks me. It’s just glorified traffic…all you’re doing is driving a car around a track. That doesn’t define a sport in the any way, shape, or form.

So America, take a hint from Europe. They have to be doing something right, they kept the Euro at a decent enough amount of value. Maybe football can do it, maybe it can’t. But what I do know is we will have smarter, more in shape old people (which would translate into more fit and intelligent kids), which would maybe cause one of these old retired people to disband Nascar as a sport and rename it as a form of recreation…or just as a form of something people do on a daily basis that can’t really be called anything out of the ordinary. In any case, football cannot do any harm that I can see. They’ll even make the kids better actors, cause everyone knows football players can win Academy Awards if they opened a category for best fake injury without even being touched. Come on America, do something good for once. Make these last 300 years actually mean something besides the atomic bomb and democracy. Make it mean real football.

First the Fat Boys Break Up? Now GM Bankrupt!

2009-06-02T12:07:00.000-04:00

How did the company that sells Escalades and Hummers go bankrupt?

BECAUSE IT COSTS $120 @$#%^@! dollars to fill op their tanks. GM better get with it or get lost. Although, you have to be a dumb-shit if you get lost in a GM these days; they are all equipped with On-Star.

GM should be pressing the button to the right, right about now, huh?

GM should be a warning to the other motor companies, big is not better. Not for anyone. Not for the environment, not for roads, not for fuel efficiency, and certainly not for cost. The 2009 Escalade is in the upper $70,000. I don't get it USA. Does Europe have to beat us to everything? Just look at some of the top European selling cars, they are all small and fuel efficient. They also cost less than our side airbag systems. Which we would not necessarily need if we didn't have dinosaurs on our streets.

The GM brand's hallmark has been SUVs since SUVs became popular (i.e., Envoy, Suburban, Jimmy {yes, Jimmy}, Trailblazer, etc....), with some Buick/Caddy sedanage on the side. GM is now forced to restructure because the cars stop selling, fuel went up, and the cars are really expensive to make/transport/sit on Lots.

Not actual size!

Here is my tip to GM: Go to every hood and offer Escalades and Suburbans to the heavy drug dealers, in exchange for fifty thousand dollars cash. Don't ask for credit, or even their name. Just move these boys like the coca, they'll sale. Luxury sells itself GM.

These Inventions Deserve A Handclap

2009-06-01T11:15:00.000-04:00

.... The Baseball Glove!

... The Oven Mit!

... The Bowler Thing-er Ma-bob

[I don't know what it's for, but I know it does something important for hands]

Last but not least:

... Acrylic

[a.k.a. "Crito - Gel"]
(that was a long joke eh?)

1 in 3 Fart and Laugh Posts Are Worth Reading

2009-05-30T22:11:00.000-04:00

(new author)

Last year was my first year at UofM, and there's a crazy amount of pressure to actually pick a major. I have finally decided what I want to study: statistics.

A lot of people say that stuff like statistics and marketing is a cop out. Its what people do when they have no real desires. Don't think that. I know what I want. I've spent many sleepless nights thinking about this issue.

See, I know what you're thinking, because I read the minds of readers (I'm a reader mind reader). You are thinking "Luke, its not that serious, its just statistics". See, that's where you're wrong, statistics are the leading cause of depression in the nation. Yeah, how's that for a serious statistic?.

7 in 10 statistics are made up on the spot.
Didn't know that, did you? I made it up.

All this depression gives statisticians a bad name. When have you ever heard a happy statistic? You never hear somebody say "reading blogs increases intelligence by 18 percent" its always something like "15 percent of America's time is wasted reading blogs per day". That's depressing. In the midst of an economic crisis, you are reading this you are wasting America's time. Some statistician is out there gettin' paid to tell you depressing stats. Its messed up, the whole system is just corrupt. What does statistics do to make people happy? Nothing.

I will right these wrongs, integrity will be restored to the profession of statistics. Statisticians will be more sought after then doctors once I am in the game.

1 in 10 men die of testicular cancer.
Lance Armstrong screwed somebody over.

But it doesn't have to be that way. No sir. Once I'm in the stats game, I'm gonna be spewing happy statistics all over the place. I want to come up with statistics that make people laugh, stuff that people hear and go "man, my life has improved since learning that information".

But what kind of stats will make people happy? That was my biggest dilemma. Until I got to thinking, Marcus is right, farts really are the solution to everything.

How many people fart a day? At any given moment, is there somebody on the planet farting? What is the machine gun fart to wet fart ratio (aka the brown ratio)? I do not know the answers to these questions. But when I do, it will make you happy.

8.5/10 people try to compress their sneezes.
Now, stats like these confuse me. Did only one half of a conjoined twin participate or what?
As a statistician, I won't be cutting anybody in half.

One stat you can be sure of though: Fart and Laugh will double its fan base within a week of me jumping on board.

Thanks for reading.

5 Words White People Over Use! (From a Black Man's Perspective)

2009-05-29T03:05:00.000-04:00

5. Golf

4. Tan ( I think my noticing this word may be a bit bias)

3. What's up! [usually followed by brother, brotha, dude, or bro]

2. AWESOME! Some hand-gesture usually accompanies!

1. Sure

"sure, yep..." HAHAHAHA I love white folks...

Do y'all [they] even realize how much y'all say that... I just could not find great video examples b/c I'm trying to pass out before 6 A.M. today. If @elzee was less busy we could make the vids...

Did I really need to put that video up, just listen for it in your next conversation.

p.s. pass out*

Interracial Squirrels

2009-05-28T21:26:00.000-04:00

My brother is a rising sophomore at MSU (Michigan State University) and alerted me about something strange, he's noticed about his campus. The Black squirrels have brown tails, and the brown ones, black tails. The wildest one I've heard of is a black squirrel with a raccoon tail, what the hell is that about?!?

This is driving him crazy because he can't believe what it implies. The brown squirrels and the black squirrels are getting down! That's pretty funny to me so I thought I'd share it and advise you all to do the same!

If you a black squirrel, get you a brown nut!

and vice versa...

This is real. If you don't believe me, eat a snickers in East Lansing!

I Respect You!

2009-05-27T13:47:00.000-04:00

I know a lot of people have heard that a lot of nude pictures have surfaced the net and twitter.

FART n LAUGH will not be posting these pictures to get more hits for our blog or whatever.

I think this celebrity women are the victims of computer predators. I will not support it. And, we will not objectify women's bodies with this nonsense. I hope the blogging community stops this trend. What if someone actually thought you were important, and hacked your computer to put intimate photos of you on the net.

"It's hard to meet someone when you've already seen their vagina." -Russell Brand

Stop posting other people's business!

If you must post pictures of two people right before they get in bed, let them be Mormon

Nude Cassie, Rhianna, JLo, and Mariah?... nah

I Added Another Author

2009-05-27T00:42:00.000-04:00

He is about to make his inaugural post!
You know, I just could not handle the millions of groupies myself welcome @mikeevee!

I broke the 'L" Key on my comp and haven't been blogging because of it

2009-05-26T15:00:00.000-04:00

Hit Me Up On Aim, I Love to Chat

2009-05-23T18:07:00.001-04:00

hoodlectual
f

Who's Better Than 'Mike'...

2009-05-23T11:55:00.000-04:00

It's becoming ridiculous.

Not that ridiculous, but does it matter that much?
Or this much?

AKA: "This Many!" AKA: NOT AT ALL!

"Bron, look at that legacy man. It's life's essence." "I already know bro, that's why I picked his number (23). I want to be him." "I want to be one better. That's why I picked his number, plus one (Take a shot in the dark)."

"I'm a dog! I wake up and chase the paper boy." And, slobber with my mouth open.

"[I will probably] need a foot doctor." I Don't really care who's better than Jordan, I just know it won't be this tool.

To be honest, I thought the 'Superman' get-up was bit of a stretch.

R.I.P. Mitch Hedberg

2009-05-20T10:44:00.000-04:00

" I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to too!" - Mitch Himself

NBA or WWE

2009-05-19T10:27:00.000-04:00

Are you kidding me? ...

Apparently the owner of the Nuggets booked WWE Raw tonight at the end of the season expecting the Nuggets to be eliminated by now. They are scheduled to start at 8:30, the game is scheduled to start at 7:00. True, the owner is a jackass, but seriously? I think that the wrestling event can relocate to another venue. The WWE should sue the Nuggets owner for breach contract though too, for the money it will lose tonight.

However, Vince McMahon needs to know his place on this one. The Wrestling Actors Guild needs to let the Denver Nuggets play in their stadium, simple as that. Who would have thought that the Nuggest would be out the first round? I didn't, they never are. But what I do is that John Cena and those other characters just sit ringside on this one. It is not that big of a deal. K-Mart and Chauncey could probably whoop on Big Daddy V (seen above) anyway. It's not like he really knows how to fight or can actually move. If He can move I know it must register on the Richter at 6'6'' and 500 lbs. That's a lot of man and even more pig. That's why I don't eat Hog Mogs.

I'm excited for this year's NBA Final because of Kobe and Lebron. Everyone knows Kobe and Lebron. No one can say for sure who is better, because they have never battled out on the ultimate stage. However, it will be exciting to see how Kobe settles in an arena a short drive away from the spa where he was accused of raping 19 year-old, Katelyn Faber.

Remember Me? No? Oh, well that's too bad, because I'm famous for lying about being raped by Kobe Bryant. (Psss... "He's big, black, rich, strong, and married.")

Anyways, whoever wins their respective Conference Final and then wins the NBA championship, is clearly better than Michael Jordan. That's what this is all about, nothing else. Who is better than Jordan, Kobe or Lebron. Not who can fake kick some over-sized actor's arse. WWE get out the way, wrestle in some Middle School's playground, that's where all your fans will be anyway.

Drunk Aussie vs. Shark!

2009-05-18T12:04:00.000-04:00

When I was first heard about this story my friend started by saying,"Did you hear about that drunk Aussie?" I knew it was going to be bad! Aussies + Alcoholic Beverage =

Or Something like that... But, you get what I'm saying. Australians should not be able to drink, their natural BAC is about .02! After they drink who knows what they are capable of? I do.

Australians can hop in the OCEAN drunk, and beat a shark to death. Nuts? Right? I am not scared of much, but I just usually don't pick fights with sharks. They're legit scrappers, they're one of those animals in the "You will never find me in a Petting Zoo"-category.

I stand corrected. He must be Australian.

The point is, one of the most ferocious beings on earth, a shark, was beat to death by a drunk Australian. I would never fight a shark, would you? If I find out the shark he killed was one of those little ones you keep in your crib I will turn from scared of Australia to pissed at Australia. If you must take your belligerence to fist-a-cups (who actually says that), Fight a great white, not a little tan. Damnit!

And, start drinkin better beer Australia, right now the good beer from your country is like the Natty Ice of ours (America).

Sorry I hadn't blogged in a while I was learning how to be funny in Chicago... (soon be my new home)

Look what I Found, Classic! (yea, that's Stephen Colbert)

2009-05-15T08:29:00.000-04:00

I thought this was pretty funny..... "Don't Touch My SauerKraut"

Pilot's License Revoked [check!] Get Some Head While Flying, First [check!]

2009-05-14T00:54:00.000-04:00

This pilot Got head on a helicopter. Is that dope to you? I like it. I think that this pilot went out like a G. How would you want to retire from flying choppers, by getting some face while passing the faces of Mt. Rushmore.

Congrats idiot [David Martz]! On losing your job for something none of us haters have ever done, but would love to do!

I hate when people do that to pictures, it's annoying when it's unnecessary..

Gucci Mane Signs Record Deal with Warner Bros. Records

2009-05-13T12:29:00.000-04:00

It's interesting that Gucci Mane has made my blog twice, BECAUSE IT'S GUCCI MANE. I'm not saying he is bad at mumbling about "trap-life" rhythmically, it's just that he mumbles about "trap-life" rhythmically. That normally would not be my flavor, but after I saw this article on one of my personal favorite political blogs hiptics.com I had to add my $3 and some change.

Tree Fiddy [$3.50] to be precise...

Anyway, as I was writing, Gucci "the Modern Minstrel Show" Mane recently signed a recording contract with Warner Brothers Records. Could a deal get any more perfect!?!?

I love Gucci Mane, to an extent, but he reminds me of a comic book/cartoon character. He's like a villain in Batman or something... He would be like the Joker's half brother "The Joke!"

Damn, We're all late: Who Framed Rodrick Davis...
(i hate to say this about my own writing but, LMAO!!!)

Ok, so he is Rodrick Davis, aka himself, and has already recorded a feature film. Gucci Mane is almost set now. His only problem with his new label will be his "perpin*" cahins. How can you be signed to Warner Bros and rock a Bart Simpson chain? He clearly is on FOX! Gucci, I know you in East Atlanta (A-Lan-Na) but network beef is different. Now we are talking Jewish Gangstas; really, really rich Jews.

i.e. D-Blocks very own: Bernie Madoff!

Gucci, for your own safety stick to the WB brand characters since you are now signed to Warner Bros. It shouldn't be hard, you have a head start....

Odie works bro, Odie works...

*to perp-v.- to cross rep or wear two competing brands (i.e. Fox and WB).

A Thing to Add to the "Detroit is the Butt of Jokes Photo Blog. [5/1/09]"

2009-05-13T00:24:00.001-04:00

Meet our new mayor.....

Former Detroit Pistons point guard, Dave Bing. DEEEEEE-TROIT BA-SKET-BALL!!!!

Detroit deserves to be the butt of jokes sometimes...

"Super" Mario. It's Deeper than Wii

2009-05-11T01:31:00.000-04:00

I have a question, just jump til your head hits the box with the question mark on it, the screen will show you...

Stereotypes rule our lives, especially if you live in America. In America we're forced fed stereotypical occurrences repeatedly. This is usually via the NBA, NASCAR, graduate-level math classes, college in general, the PGA tour, Idaho, John McCain, rallies etc...

One of the most classic engines of Stereotype is the Super Mario Game Series.

Starting with the main character, Super Mario. He's a fat, Italian plumber. How many of those do you know? And how many are named Mario with a brother named Luigi skinny enough to snake pipes with his own damn body? NOBODY! It's just fiction that is very very possible, especially if you live in Queens.

The second generalization about the world in that game is very real though. Every time I ate a
mushroom I felt like I doubled in size instantly, and started killing really big turtles... If it was the right species of fungus.

WTF?

But, if Domino's gets my pizza topping right for a change, you bet your arse I'm huge, turtles fly, and gold coins float around for my grabbing... Only thing missing is the police.

I just love that the guys who drew up this game got rich instead of going to a really extensive rehab. I don't know which was better for them. The former probably was an economic stimulus for my city, Detroit; but, we won't go there. I just wish there was a disclaimer on the cover of this game because I ate a feather and jumped off a short building and just fell. I cannot find Bowser, I thought I saw him at the zoo but it was just my friends dad that is fat and emo. I have trouble finding dinosaurs to be my Yoshi, and I really have struggled finding a fat guy who would wear the same outfit as me, just red! Assume I'm skinny and played the part of Luigi.

Where are the black dudes in this drug flick? (that was my question, I'm just loquacious and shit)

The Photo Blog! Get in My Belly!

2009-05-09T12:44:00.000-04:00

Fat Bastard sure looks small when no regular human is around for him to be compared to.

They must be doing his public weight count in tons!*

Look how small he looks next to his bath tub!

How lucky is that dude on the ground that the dude in the air is not Fat Bastard! And, just Nacho Libre!

"No One wants me the wrestla!" I got me own little-to-no-action figure! (check the armpits)

*Correction, metric tons, he's Scottish.

Manny Being Manny !!!

2009-05-08T20:47:00.000-04:00

Manny Ramirez-positive test-duh!!!

Major Leaguer hops up the wall to give a fan a hand-clap, he's on drugs.

Major Leaguer turns down 45-million for two years in a recession, he's probably on drugs.

Major Leaguer acts an ass on a team in which he is the fan-favorite on, and a winner of two World Series,' might be on drugs.

Major Leaguer wears 'Dreads,' and baggy pants, he's at least smoking weed.

Major Leaguer is this blog's author, Marcus Alexander's, Favorite Player; point proven!

I love Manny, but Manny has issues, for that, my Conseco-radar has always been on spin. But, for those who don't know the whole story, or the story at all (because who cares about Baseball?) Manny tested positive for H.C.G.-a testosterone booster often prescribed to men with fertility problems.

I'm not tripping though, but I wish he wasn't on my fantasy team! http://games.espn.go.com/flb/clubhouse?leagueId=236192&teamId=6 (for those of you who give a damn.)

I dont think this is a big deal. Manny has never failed a drug test before, and won't fail another. I just wish 'Bud' Selig would allow 'Bud,' it's currently a banned substance. It's like a relative. Manny received a 50-game suspension.

Who cares?

Kiss My Ass, I'm On Vacation! part 2!

2009-05-06T04:27:00.000-04:00

I'm Gone [deep sea] fishin. I'll blog upon return or on the beach!

This Idiot... "From My Hood!"

2009-05-04T15:55:00.001-04:00

Ok, so on the warm weekends I sit outside on the porch. My whole city does, even the people with skin cancer. So this weekend, while I was wasting away on the porch in my hood, I was having a discussion with one of my grandma's neighbors. The topic was one of the usual ones in the D, "How America is Racist!" haha. This one was a classic.

So, this kid was one of those kids that thinks he's a genius, and gets all intellectual about shit that is not that deep (i.e. a 4 foot pool's percentage of chlorine).

But, I just wished the kid hadn't gotten on my porch this weekend because he wanted to talk about something he had no clue about! He wanted to talk about "Things the government makes black people see repeatedly to remind us that we are not white!" Is it bad that I laughed at that? Because I did, primarily because I know I'm black. And if I ever forgot I would just walk past the police station or watch the NBA Playoffs/NASCAR! Frankly, I did not see relevance in his rant.

Somehow he began to talk about different people we are forced to see in the national media, that clearly did not care about black folks (i.e. Michael Steele). Surprisingly, he started off well! He goes, "John McCain, the man's family was once one of the largest planters in the South. Code word for: his ole dudes had a bunch of my cousins pickin' cotton." All I could do is laugh at that for it's comedic mix of truth and tremendous historical inaccuracy. What can I say, he ain't a scholar, just my homeboy.

They he says, Uncle Sam! To me, this was interesting, because I could not refute it, but I never see that man anywhere! DO we still use him? I thought to recruit people we just used one of the following pictures:

P.s. The State of Iraq most likely had nothing to do with the events associated with 9/11.

For some reason, it's proven effective. A lot of people have some signed up for war. But, not one b/c of Uncle Sam; consequently, I rudely shouted next! Because, he was beginning to talk nonsense.

Then, this is when a heart attack almost took my young life, he said "the Quaker Oats Man!" The Quaker Oats Man is on everything (is he really) What? Just think about that for one second. The Quaker Oats man. Now, I could be wrong, but I am pretty sure no quaker had that many slaves. I am sure a few had a few, etc..., but the Quakers were an integral part of the Underground Railroad right? I might be wrong, but I am too lazy to look this up. I was so pissed, because I like to give good white people from our country's beginning their credit because there weren't many. You know, like, Abe Lincoln, John Brown, JQ Adams, Abe Lincoln, John Brown... and so forth... Let me know if I'm wrong, because I really went off when he said that dumb shit!.... Excuse my vulgar English, No Parle ANY FLUCKIN FRENCH!

Zoom!

If They Give Obama an Incomplete Coach Won't Let Him President

2009-05-04T01:39:00.000-04:00

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

M - Th 11p / 10c

Recap - Week of 4/27/09

thedailyshow.com

Daily Show
Full Episodes

Economic Crisis

First 100 Days

Dope Photo "Shoppage"

2009-05-03T13:33:00.000-04:00

I'm usually not one for "photo shoppage" photos, but today I came across quite a clever one!

I really did not want to blog this b/c I personally think the last photo blog is really dope.... But since I did, just scroll down one more post.. I am giving you a dollar if you become a follower just e-mail mailing information to fnlcomedy@gmail.com and who you are as a follower!

Top 10 Reasons Why Detroit is Often the Butt of Jokes!

2009-05-01T16:38:00.000-04:00

10. The Detroit-based domestic auto industry has struggled recently, so politicians and broadcasters love to use the euphemism, 'Detroit,' to talk about the industry. "It just seems like it fits."

9. Detroit city employees reported that on May 1,2009, their payroll checks bounced! (I'm serious)

8. Rapper, Yung Berg was robbed in downtown Detroit for his "Transformer" chain, outside a club. It is reportedly worth "$70,000 and rather heavy." Trick Trick, however, said it was "not that sweet and that it's fake."

7. The Crack Heads! While they have meant nothing short of detriment to Detroit, they're funny, what more can I say?

6. On every commercial street in the city there is at least one of these: Liquor Store, Dollar Store, Beauty Supply or Church! Often times all four are present, as well as a gas station.

5. If there was ever going to be a city that would fight with a visiting professional sports team it would be Detroit, fighting none other than Ron Artest and the Indiana Pacers!

4. The most successful rapper from the city is a weird white guy, from a trailer park. That generates particular interest because Detroit is also one of the "blackest" cities in the U.S. Go figure!

3. Detroit is perennially ranked amongst the most dangerous cities in the U.S. and the Western Hemisphere.

2. Detroit's most recently elected mayor, Kwame 'the hip-hop mayor' Kilpatrick, is a felon; consequently, he is now barred from the BAR.

1. The Detroit Lions. In the 2008-2009 season they became the first NFL team, since the expansion, to LOSE EVERY SINGLE GAME. The team is now featured in The Hall as the only team to go [n/a-16] ever! (or 0-16)

FIVE SECOND BREAK FOR A SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT!

0. There are hundreds of good things about Detroit, but these are just funnier...

I Now Have the Swine Flu! a.k.a. Influenza A subtype Virus H1N1

2009-04-30T20:47:00.000-04:00

KARMA!

See my post a few days before? Making fun of the CDC and it's declaration of pandemics. Well, Don't Like It! In fact, don't even scroll down there; you might get the flu...

Not just any flu, the swine flu. I figured if I blogged about how real the epidemic is [It's very very Real!], the pig God's will forgive me. Furthermore I will like to apologize to following pigs:

I owe this to you and Kermit. I'm sorry for calling you ugly, your voice annoying, and the fact that til today at 9:00 p.m. I consider your character totally pointless.

Honestly, you look like you are waiting to hear me say sorry. Sneaky motha-shut-yo-mouth! I'm sorry for accusing you of taking 'it' under the ole' coil from Christopher-Robin. Also, I actually like your over-sized ears (*they go well with your tiny body*), and your male one-piece swimsuit is not homo-**, I never even considered that you could be an Olympic swimmer.

OK Mr Ross, I admit, I may have been wrong about your species. But, if you are not really an Everglade Boar, you're awfully close. I am really sorry for the misunderstanding. Could you please talk to your now-distant cousins about keeping the illness amongst themselves. Again, sorry for the pig allegations...

Now Bloggers/Blog Readers, I must go. I need to heal. I just hope that the Pig God's consider my apologies and condolocences. The Fart and Laugh blog cannot last if I am sick/dead/quarantined with hill-billies, Mexicans, and the aforementioned notable pigs. I will be killed. My only advice is to avoid riding planes, cars, trains, buses, horses, sluts, and bikes. Is that everything? Ok, good... Also, don't go inside, that's how I got it. I WENT INSIDE. So stay outside, perhaps, under a tree. Pigs hate trees. Avoid piggly-wigglys in the South, avoid very obese men in the North. And if rains, take that as an opportunity to rinse off all your bacon grease, swine grine, oinkment etc... Be resourceful, Be American an please, please, please DON'T GO INSIDE!

p.s. Paris Hilton appears to be infected as well.

**sapien, of course!

Dope Detroit Rapper!

2009-04-30T14:43:00.001-04:00

On the Set of Hotel Rwanda 2: The Return of the Tutsi Cockaroaches!

2009-04-29T16:46:00.000-04:00

My new job is an amazing experience. I am a census enumerator. Specifically, my job is to walk through Detroit updating maps and address information. There is a lot of danger in that description alone. But, I am assigned to some of the most violent areas in Detroit. I know you are thinkin... How Fun! Not at all homies..

(can you believe they make us walk with that nice thingger-mer-bob -a.k.a. 'please rob me!')

Incident 1

Yesterday, I was walking down a s[c]reet on the Eastside (it's 'screet' on the Eastside) called G****, and I went up to this one house with a rope hanging out it and a trapper fence up. A man walked outside who was either retarded or Spanish because he was speaking broken english and struggled to not make sense. I told him I was with the Census Bureau; shortly after, Hell commenced.

A.M.B.W. (hint* Mad and Woman in that acronym) busted through the front door. She screamed, "you with the Muufuckin Feds?!* Get the hell off my motha fuckin* property hoe, before I kill you!" Then I just started laughing because she was so mad about a professional counter. She realized the joke was on her, so the blaxican and I just fell to the ground with our laughter... She took her mad ass back in, and I left.

(I haven't seen a white man in weeks, for some reason, that scares me)

Incident 2

While I was talking with a resident whose house was on my list, he stopped me in the middle of the conversation...`He told me, "you can come in cuzzo, if you want to and shit, but I know you got dat Mag in the bookbag (reffering to my census bag)." I just asked why. But before he responded, I noticed the reason. It was like a scene fresh out of Blood Diamond, or Hotel Rwanada. An angry mob of tall black men, pumpin' fists and [kitchen knives], were coming straight towards my block. My canvassee just said, "they unknown to dis block and need to be ran off dis bitch.*" Soon later, children without shoes, shirts and belts, ran across the street screaming unintelligible phrases laden with only one term familiar to me: 'nigga.'*

This is all true, and was just as crazy when it happened. Even I cannot believe what I wrote is true, and it happened to me! W.T.F....

*sorry for the language but I am trying to give it to you straight./I love the D and wish this was not the case...

Bird Flu, Swine Flu..... What's next?

2009-04-28T11:02:00.000-04:00

OK, every time someone gets sick while abroad, someone from the CDC names the illness the [Insert Animal] flu. It's simple and I am sick of it. If I catch a cold in out in Zambouki, they are gonna tell me I have the hippo flu...

I ain't buyin' it, because I don't kiss Hippos. No one kisses Hippos - the most friendly looking animals, with the softest name [Hippo] - are the most dangerous in all of Africa. Ain't that some crazy bs... But that's not the point, the point is people don't kiss Hippos. I know this because White people don't kiss Hippos! If white people don't kiss 'em, no one does. I promise. Except that one African that lives among them and is embraced by the pack, because he is a Disney Movie Character.

I also hate how they never get straight to the point for the public. Bird Flu, instead of Chicken Wing Flu?.... I don't get it. Swine Flu, instead of Bacon and Ribs Flu? W.T.F. What could they call the Hippo Flu?

I usually don't eat much Hippo either, so I don't see how I could contract the Hippo Flu. But, I know if I tell customs I'm sick 'Hippo' Flu would be the Diagnosis...

AYE!

2009-04-27T01:39:00.000-04:00

Sadhus are Real and Awesome

2009-04-26T17:49:00.000-04:00

If you know what a Sadhu is, you are either from India, Hindu, or a nerd!

Here's the scoop, Sadhus are ascetics in various sects of the Hindu religion. Technically, they have achieved the first three goals of Hinduism (Karma, artha and dharma.) What they actually do is voluntary go homeless, practice yoga til they are like a Jedi, "accidentally" stop wearing clothes, eat food donations from the lay people, and SMOKE THAT KUSH.

I'm not making this up. Most Sadhus start an apprenticeship of sorts, following an old-ass one, in their late teens-early20s. Few start later because of some financial, family, or spiritual issues they find untenable.

How sweet is this?

No clothes,
Free Indian Food (which is awesome if you've never had it)
Permission to grow/accept weed and smoke it in public, in a wooden pipe!
No Haircuts
Face Paint
Strong as hell, b/c you get to do yoga a lot

That looks good to me. I wonder if I can be one here in the hood, if I convert. Soon I will upload an electronic petition for me to be a Hood Sahu. I think that this has that making of a [legend feel] war with a country with a billion people. No racial fellas, no racial; I just really like the Sadhu way, it's too chill. Especially the wooden ice they all have...

2009-04-26T15:36:00.001-04:00

The Belated Saturday Photo Blog... Support Locally-Based Business

I never understood why, in Detroit, I see so many

But then I thought about where fuel usually comes from..

There is little consistency... Sometimes it happens like this...

Or this...

Very Rarely, like this...

I just want to know America...

Why can't we be friends?*

That last photo was in India, and is like 16 million people long. Sweet.

*Not including Ohio State University students. Seriously.

The New way to Rob!

2009-04-23T19:27:00.000-04:00

So.. You won't believe this! There is a new way to rob someone and it's hilarious; moreover, it is very efficient.

Apparently, the new way to commit armed robbery is: the perpetrators demand that the victims remove their pants. I am so serious, some robbers in my grandmas hood told me, this is the inside scoop! The logic is that the victims will not chase the robbers and they won't be so eager to report the crime to the public.

If you thought Sadhus were wild, this is way crazier...

Honestly I did not believe it; however, shortly after a family friend was ordered (at gunpoint in Farm. Hills, MI) to remover pants and give up her wallet, whatever douchebags take,etc... If someone tried rob me/ordered me to remove my pants, I would pee on them. But, what would you do if they took your levi's. Would you chase 'em? Pee on 'em? Run into hiding? Take advantage of the breeze?

This Week in Cribs...

2009-04-18T13:20:00.001-04:00

MTV Cribs... meets White House/Black President

MTV Cribs... meets Al Gore vacation home...

MTV Cribs... meets the Wild Thornberrys

MTV Compound...meets Bill Gates
When you have a billion dollars,"A house is not a home," it's a 'Compound.'

MTV Foreclosure... meets Mike Tyson

MTV Cribs International... meets Osama [location unspecified and subject to change]

Child Soldiers vs. Team America

2009-04-17T12:23:00.001-04:00

My problem with America is not that it is overpopulated, disproportionately detrimental to the environment, infatuated with Hollister like there are no better clothes, half racist, same-half-homophobic, therefore − half idiot, greedy, lazy, and very fat; my problem with America is that we spend all our time on other countries minor issues to neglect our own.

I know terrorism is real, and we should look for Osama, but that’s it. We have to find the leader if we want some results because Al-Qaeda means cockroach in a few languages. Them muuhfuckas don’t die (Unless they blow themselves up, which is rare these days thanks to the iPhone). Insurgents die, but Al-Qaedas don’t. If you think they do, tell me one Al-Qaeda member that has died… (save Al-Zarqawi)

But in other places in the world, we still try to be Team America, World Police. I’m talking about Africa! That’s right, Africa. Ok, Liberia is fucked partially because of U.s. (acronym for the United States, not accusing anyone of anything). It’s partially our fault because we sent some American Negroes back over to Africa, and they raised hell. And, actually continue to raise hell. So, we can go there. The diamond trade is ridiculous, and its lowest levels are very inhumane, very inhumane (I'm not redundant, I'm focusing in). Liberia should be a concern of ours. Tanzania should not! I don’t mean that in a rude way, I am just saying the nation was not a part of the slave trade, American diplomacy, oil, the making of Hotel Rwanda, or the birthplace of that bald chick I keep seeing in magazines modeling and shit…

Y'all know the chick I'm talkin' 'bout.

The U.S.S. Maersk Alabama was delivering food relief to Kenya and Tanzania. At the same time three million people, to our limited knowledge, struggle to eat in the US. This hijacking was our fault; we should stay the hell out of there. We didn’t have any business any business there the first time, any business in Iraq, and we certainly don’t have any business there now. While these pirates are not Al-cockroaches, I fear they may be getting ideas. If the US stubbornly goes back through the area (East Africa) unarmed, I might laugh. Just because: Team America, World Police was supposed to be a joke!

Like this new campaign to stop ‘child’ soldiers. WTF, in UGANDA! That is none of our damn business. I’m sorry, it’s not. And let me tell you somthin’ about that whole pitch about “child-soldiers,” and saving them because they are just kids. It’s sad and touching, it really is. But, when you put an AK47 into someone’s hands, AT WHATEVR AGE!, they just became grown. It’s simple. You cannot tell me that a kid playing Pop Warner is on the same terms that a kid that can Pop a cap in Kurt Warner from 400 meters out. It’s not the same. But who am I? You be the judge!

Same Sport, Same Shirt. Go ahead, Team America.

Somali Pirates Really A Threat ?

2009-04-15T14:54:00.001-04:00

If you watch South Park, or used to watch it, you know my good friend Starvin Marvin! If not this is him:

Well he grew a few inches/pubes, and migrated a few miles south to neighboring Somalia. Unfortunately it has become the trend of thousands of young Somali and Ethiopian children. He left to become a pirate. I don't know why. In history, six of them have gotten ransoms, killed everyone in their crew and got the hell out of that lawless country [Somalia]. All the rest of the so called 'pirates' got killed. Do they really think they have a chance against a Navy, in those little inflatable rafts?

They're not pirates, they are just a bunch of Starvin Marvins. I don't understand them though, the boats are usually carrying FOOD!

Stop, you idiots, before you all die horrible deaths. The French are even kicking your asses...

That should be a sign. They're famous for pastries and purses.

Today the Starvin' Marvins were quoted saying that they are going to go after the Americans and the French in light of recent failure. I say bring it on you bastards. You are going after ships that are bringing you aid, I don't understand that. Do you rather eat steak you stole?

SMH!..

Kiss My Ass, I'm On Vaction!

2009-04-15T10:47:00.000-04:00

The embargo's end is near. It comes at a time when I could not turned down the beautiful women, coastline, and arts of the forbidden isla.

I really never saw Cuba as a threat. Even when they were holding Soviet missiles, everyone knew they weren't trying to mess with the big dogs, the U.S. (I was going to type 'us,' but that actually is quite the double entendre. In fact, I love Cuba, and Castro is my cousin. Well probably not but you know how we ***** folks get, everybody wit a nappy beard and bad credit is our cousin. And Fidel has some bad ass credit, his score is probably negative... (see crackhead description in Osama article here: http://fartandlaugh.blogspot.com/2009/03/obama-where-is-osama-osama-crack-head.html#comments)

Look what our stubbornness has done to a nation that never really attacked us. We thought they had plans, but we also 'thought' Iraq had "Nuculer War-Heads." I just don't see what good have we done to Cubans if we caused a whole country to be impoverished and stuck in cars from the NAACP glory days. Truthfully, it puts a bad taste in my mouth. Sorta like: McDonald's right after you watch Super Size Me... Yuck!!!

Why don't we ever hear the good things about Cuba in our national media? They have one of the highest literacy rates in the world (cuz there is no Xbox360). They have one of the lowest violent crime rates (b/c you can't flee the country). Afro-Cubans geberally have the same standard-of-living as all other Cubans (Virtually unheard of in the West)! Everyone has healthcare, it's not HAP, but it is healthcare. There is not a lot of AIDs (we won't discuss that). And, I have not seen a crackhead there yet! I cannot confirm this because we all know how elusive crack heads are (see Osama post) but I am honestly yet to find one.

I am considering a lot more video blogging because many people in the US don't read... thoughts?

Or maybe a site with a sections dedicated to videos?

Without that purple bath robe rope I would have never spotted this crackhead! Dummy gave himself away.

FREEZE!

2009-04-15T03:01:00.000-04:00

This is a funny video from our friends at IMPROV EVERYWHERE, 'FnL' is ONE OF THEIR FAVORITE BLOGGERS

Tight

OBAMA WTF WERE YOU THINKING!

2009-04-14T16:44:00.000-04:00

Bo?
What the hell is a 'Bo'?

I like some of your choices, but not your choice of pet names. I have a serious problem with this dumb name if you chose it because of your own initials. Truthfully, your own name isn't all that dynamite "Barack Hussein", but that is because it is from Kenya [actually, Hussein is a bit more than dynamite]. Bo is a very American name, and a garbage American name to Bo-ot.

Speaking of boots, have you seen the dog? He has little white boots, naturally. Were his ancestors walking around in bleach?

I just don't get it Barack... SMH... I'm just glad you didn't get a pit, that would've been some shit for Fox to report. "News just in: President Obama gets a pit-bull terrier... We think he named him Killa-Mike.."

But foreal B.O., why did you name your dog Bo. That was just not a decision you ran by the cabinet. You certainly did not run it pass Shelly. I have noticed that you are a man of exotic names though, just based on the names of people around (i.e. Malaia, Biden, Napolitono, Steven Chu etc....)

Actually, weird names are American. The president is the best example, but weird dog names are not.You liberals just do whatever you want, whenever you want. Name your dogs your intials and call it a day? NO! BO is not acceptable.

What is your dog's name, is it your initials?

Tax Day Tea Party ???

2009-04-14T10:32:00.000-04:00

Ok, Conservative America, could you be anymore original? Also, are these people slow? Did anyone read the tax plan proposed by Obama, he just took it back to the days of Clinton And George Herbert Walker, A REPUBLICAN!

What good does pouring Arizona Raspberry off a yacht mean? Are you guys serious? But, I am glad you guys are wasting your money on this dumb shit because Arizona Iced Tea sales are already up for the month.

Most of the people complaining about their taxes going up, ARE NOT IN THE BRACKET OF TAX INCREASES. Your household income must be more than $603,000 a year. Children of engineers, news anchors, principals, (most) lawyers, (most) doctors, almost anything..... you are not being taxed more! And if you were, I bet you my whole income that pouring prepared Lipton off the coast of Belle Isle WON'T DO SHIT!

I expected people to complain because [Obama] he's black, but that hasn't happened. Instead people want to complain about the people with a bunch of illegal immigrants working in their house, getting their taxes taken back to normal!

Stop it, your 'teaparty' is dumb. Personally I think it was dumb the first time, but at least it was because the British were taxing tea! The right-wing is just in an idea recession.... (if you haven't already noticed: Palin, The Arnold, Iraq for WMDs, Bill O'Reilley, Glen Beck, Fox News, Gucci Mane the Black Republicane..smh)

I Pledge Allegiance to Cali-forni-AH, In My Itty Bitty Un-da-wayah

Sometimes a picture is worth so few words.... SMH....

"Gucci Mane, The Africane/ And I'm a Black Republicane! Aghh!

This Week In Kids

2009-04-11T17:06:00.001-04:00

Sooo, you know Saturdays are my photo blog days.... therefore, let me show y'all my son (according to Maury Pouvich)....

At least he's a cute baby. He has been watching his grandma a bit much and wants to be firefighter when he grows up. However, he is hardheaded like his pops and took matters into his own hands.

Then his partner in "nap-time-crime," brought his dream to reality when he blew a bit to hard for his birthday wish.

A few of the guest needed rescuing.... But the pre-school nor the fire academy prepared Alexander Jr. (ACCORDING TO MAURY) for the type of situation he was about face...

She was a bit hard to rescue....

He was harder!... Btw, his parents are cruel for taking his picture when their shitty potty training cost him his dryness.

Breast Cancer and Fellatio, No, Fareal....

2009-04-09T13:20:00.000-04:00

My friend, who I respect and trust made a face book status that shocked me. This is what it said: "Only with regular occurrence will your chances [of breast cancer] be reduced, so I encourage all women out there to make fellatio an important part of their daily routine," said Dr. Helena Shifteer, one of the researchers at the University. "Since the emergence of the research, I try to fellate at least once every other night to reduce my chances."- I'm not making this up.

I was like, WTF? Breast Cancer is very serious, it is the number two cause of death of American women. I thought, "He can't be serious," but before I made any accusations I did my research.

Sooo, like we kids do these days, I typed it in Google. This BS was all over the internet. It was crawled on about 500 sites, mostly message boards and blogs, but a lot of sites. But I know better, so I looked it up in the Google news search. NOTHING! Then I thought I should search a few academic databases. I did exactly that, JSTOR, google Scholar, NOTHING!

That's when I decided it was bull shit for serious. That was really scary at first because I did not want to ever say **** my **** and you won't get breast cancer, that's low. I'm strangely glad that this is BS. HOWEVER, the risk of cancer is reduced by stress; furthermore, your relationships whill be a lot less stressful if you just do what you already know you should do...

Superhead!

Closing Remark:
I take cancer very serious, and I am just encouraging everyone to lighten up. It will help you immensely... I promise!

I got dat "Crabbe Grass"

2009-04-08T14:27:00.000-04:00

Remember Crabbe & Goyle, a.k.a.: Malfoy's Female Dogs... Crabbe is little crazier than first suspected....

This is great. I am so glad for the 'Harry Potter' cast because now they have some street cred. Slytherin is supposed to be scum, too cool for school, and most of all, ABOUT THAT GREEN. It reminds me of one of my favorite Three Six songs' hook:
"Who got that Hydro, Who got that Light Green?"
"Who got that Bobby Brown, Who got Bin Laden weed!"
I said... (then it repeats hellas)

But it just makes me think so much about Crabbe's ass, whose real name is irrelevant (Jaime Waylett, haha). If he was a rapper I got him a bangin' hook already for his "Southern Smoke" tour:
"Who got that Canada, Who got that Michigan?"
"Who got that Skunk 2, Who got that Slytherin!"
! I said... (in the most Britishest of accents)

Crabbe bro, you're the man. Every true Harry Potter fan wanted to whoop your ass! Now they just wanna smoke with you, and that's chill. I knew Draco's pops wasn't gettin all those rupees off the Ministry of Magic.

Did Hagrid show you how to grow that stuff because I know he was growing cush in the patch next to them monsters. That's why he had that big-ass three headed pit-bull, so if the feds came they would have trouble.

I just have one concern Crabbe, I hope this doesn't mean you sniffin that floo powder bro.. I have seen what it does to folks and it wouldn't be pretty.

My advice to you is to stay away from Draco bro, HE HOT as hell! Every time the Ministry sees him they're watching, unless they his death eater cousins. Just keep it clean bro, and keep the Crabbe Grass in the headshops...

('he hot'- means the authorities watch him because a frequent criminal behavior, just so there's no confusion there folks..)

Take a listen..

Ethnic Stereotypes That Offend?

2009-04-08T11:08:00.000-04:00

Ok, I heard from someone, who heard from someone else, who was allegedly watching 'The View,' that they were discussing the times before "Political Correctness." [I wasn't watching 'The View' or anything.] I'm still not completely Politically correct because I trust my mind, and don't really think poorly about any particular 'group.' But, I tried to list the stereotypes etc.. about Negros that still piss me off, because, well, I'm a negro.

When I am referred to as 'Colored,' come on? WTF, it's not 1923?
When people make a racially driven comment about my black-ass liking Watermelon, I don't even like it like that. I mean, if you got some... (I'm playin')
When a random white dude, at a college especially, thinks I have drugs...
When people assume I steal.
When muufuckas think I can "hoop." I can dunk but that's about it.
When people assume I have nappy hair, I don't. And if i did, so what?
When peopleask if I live on the Eastside (Detroit). How do they make that assumption, the Westside has been primarily black since 1976...
When people think I'm fast, I'm not that fast damnit.
When people assume I entertain, I do. But it has nothing to do with my race.

Anything the Po-lice think.

Now the for Stereotypes I love....

When people ask if I have ever seen a gun.
When girls assume I have a large Man Stick. (I am preeeeeeettty sure I am a normal dude, but ok!)
When people think I will whoop their ass. Except my boy Nate, "you can get your ass kicked if you're any race!"
When people think I can hoop, so I get picked early in pick-ups.
Anything connected to Obama...

I would like to include other races and their stereotypes but I don't know how y'all feel about shit. Share one you like or don't like though, I am interested.

Who Said Male Nurses Were Sissies

2009-04-07T11:47:00.000-04:00

"Experts" have said it has the highest demand of any job in America, and it's rising!

My problem isn't with the work male nurses do, it's with the title: "Male Nurses!" The word just doesn't fit in any color other than pink, and certainly not next to "Male." Nurse is just too soft a word, this is what one definition should say in a Webster's: nurse [nurs] - verb; to caress a supple breast very gently and passionately. Example sentence: "Oh My God, did he like, just nurse me?"

Doesn't that fit better. Yeah it does. And it really works next to male. People would have no problem finding male nurses to lift patients, and handle violent ones if that was the meaning. Right now nurse really just means, PUSS! That's what it means, and it's unfortunate. I don't think of nurse in the light that is just the connotation it presently carries...
What should they be called? Male Monitores. That's right Monitores. The [MON-A-TORES!] Make sure you say it with a really deep-voice too...

See that! I can write in a masculine color, not like male nurse. All the male "nurses" though, keep doin' what y'all do. We are working on a term for you, Real Talk.

In the meantime I'll be busy nursin' how I like to nurse*..

http://www.asiaone.com/News/Education/Story/A1Story20090330-132089.html

Wait for the Fish!

2009-04-07T02:32:00.001-04:00

This video is shot entirely in stop time. It's nutty man, it really is.

I originally wanted to cut out pieces, but I couldn't.

It is not really consistent with the blog's theme, so at the end, just fart and laugh at yourself.

New post coming soon, Tuesday Afternoon.

Lil' Kim Jong-Il

2009-04-05T18:41:00.001-04:00

Ok, short-man; STOP 'Launching' RC planes and calling them rockets. You'll get your peninsula destroyed. I'm serious LIL' KIM (not one of those barely unisex names, i.e., Sam, Adrian, Danny/Dani, Chris, Lauren {pronounced Lorn for males}).

You've got everyone worked up about your small ass. Not like we don't have military bases throughout your region, including South Korea. Stop trying to seem tough with rockets that can only stick to plastic boards when a little wet.

Where have you been anyway? You need to get a life and an economy. I know you want attention to get a ticket to Air Force One. But.....

No one in the world likes you. Not even North Koreans. The only person with a lower approval rating on this blog is Blago.

WTF is KIM? A girls name. WTF is a JONG-IL? A computer hacker who thinks he has east coast swag. Please world, stop worrying about Jong-Ills rockets, they cannot hurt us. Those rockets wouldn't even hurt North Korea fs they ran out of gas while still in the country.

What Happened to Eskimo Barbie?

2009-04-03T17:39:00.000-04:00

After George Bush, I was sure the president would be a negro, a woman, or a Cuban. I just cannot understand why the two women that were the front runners, THE FRONT RUNNERS! There was Condi, Janet Napolitano, Kathleen Sebelius, whoever. Just not Hil (fellas know why) and Eskimo Barbie.

Now I know it is very inspiring, it is, and I would to have a female president. JUST NOT THOSE ONES!
Sarah Palin is arguably the dumbest governor in the United States.* She's a hockey mom, and not because she's cool, BECAUSE SHE LIVES IN ALASKA! It's not like she can be a soccer, baseball, football, or "lacrosse" mom if those exist... It is too cold for all that. Every school in Alaska can aford a hockey rink. Even little old Wasilla, her only prior political experience, it has less people THAN MY NEIGHBORHOOD! True story...

I'm so glad the hype has died down, it was killin me, I could never watch the news. This 40-year MILP (p=poke i don't condone the use of the f-word), former model, that is barely literate, is the governor of somewhere. No way? Sure fooled me. It still baffles me that a major party nominated her for vice president. John McCain must've thought all the Hil supporters were gonna swing over just because she was a woman. Not so fast, American's aren't that dumb.

Especially since the person she was going to V.P. for was older than Dirt, and had many health problems... No way we could risk Eskimo Barbie being president.

In case you forgot, here's a look back at who could've been the dumbest vice-president ever. Yes, dumber than Dan "I frequently fail" Quayle.

"Oh man, I miss her"... (Tina Fey and SNL writing staff thinking)

Remember, I can see Russia FROM MY HOUSE!

George W. has retired folks.*

Loop-Swoop-Pull

2009-04-03T13:00:00.000-04:00

Ok, we have all seen this scum all over t.v. and the news. Everyone gets all pissed because he tried to sell a senatorial seat. I'm not surprised so I don't get that mad about it. I just laugh at the guy.

Look at his hair, what the hell is that? Looks like a Nike Swoosh, if it could be a hairstyle. Remember on Big Daddy when Adam Sandler was teaching that kid how to tie his shoes, Loop, Swoop, Pull! That's all I can think about everytime I see Blagojevich and his Serbian Rug head. So, I laugh.

Can you take him serious? On the day of his arraignment he was at Disneyworld, he's like a soft rapper...

He reminds me so much of Kwame Kiltpatrick, the mayor of Detroit. The only difference is Kwame is a man about the dumb shit he does. He has served his time, made public apologies, and gotten the hell out of Dodge. Blago, YOUR TURN!

But don't get pissed, look at him, he's hysterically ugly. Loop-Swoop Pull!

When I saw this I was like, "That's Amazing!"

2009-04-02T21:12:00.000-04:00

Watch the whole thing, please. It only gets better.

A Pink "Heater," Victoria's Secret?

2009-04-02T11:34:00.000-04:00

What's the deal with this whole picture. This is off a New York Times article about American's gun fascination. But a pink one, really? For one, it's really small, I wonder how far someone could take it. For two, is it really pink, if someone held me up with it I might chuckle. FOR THREE! did the person whose hands are in the picture shoot off her right index finger with this little pinky....

Guns these days...

Obama Gives Queen iPod!

2009-04-02T08:08:00.000-04:00

The Obama hype never ends. (why isn't his name in the firefox dictionary yet? lol.) All he did was give The Queen an iPod, is that really exciting? The iPod mostly contained video from the queen's last visit to the states, Do you think she cares. She doesn't. The queen doesn't listen recorded music, she has a court of musicians!

I read that he gave the Queen some Broadway Classics!

The only way Obama should've given her an iPod was if he compiled a historical anthology of rap songs that describes America's president's. For example: I was Gettin' some **** chronicles Bill
Clinton's tenure perfectly, It's Gettin' Ugly tells the Regan Stories, and You's a Hoe can apply to either Bush.

Am I lyin', let me know if I am because I don't think so. I'm just tired of people being on Obama's nuts like skinny jeans. I know that Obama stepped out of tradition by giving The Queen something like she needed it, but he stepped out of traditon, by stepping in the White House! True Story?

http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/world/la-fg-obama-queen2-2009apr02,0,7701231.story

The Queen is cool though, I like the nonchalant tone she brings to a meeting where everyone is pissed. If you farted in front of The Queen, she would have yo ass killed. No laughs in Buckingham.

Oh yeah, Gucci Mane, The Queen is so much icier than you, ass! Hagh!!! or whatever you do to breathe...

Thank You for Not Smoking.... Next Time

2009-04-01T02:47:00.000-04:00

Alright, If the sign says No Smoking, don't smoke dumbass. It is plain idiotic to light a Flame at a gas station. Why would you do that, does it make you that much smoother? I guess you will be pretty hot though.

Why don't people follow rules put in place for their best interest, that never made sense to me. I mean if you are 18 and you want to have a beer man, have it... But if you are not supposed to run a red light, just wait.

I know the feeling though, the feeling of wanting to smoke that square. It CANNOT BE POSTPONED, so maybe we should make flame-less cigs. I know we (Asians) can figure it out, or at least google it.

I didn't smoke a cig when I wanted one once, it ended badly. I just wanted to burn. It was rather ironic because that is exactly what would have happened had I smoked a cigarette while pumping the Camry.

Watch that video below this, haha, if you didn't do that already. It is of someone a few months ago, because the person that did it yesterday was not as entertaining a human torch.

Thank you for not smoking next time.

Drugs Legal?

2009-03-31T14:30:00.000-04:00

I been hearing a lot of talk about legalizing drugs to help in the economic times, and stop the violence. By the numbers this is what the war on drugs has meant for our country:

53 billion dollars per year, approximately, $150 million daily.
1.4 million drug-related arrests annually
5,612 deaths in Mexico as a result of the Drug War
In 2005, 22,400 people fatally overdosed in America on Drugs
30 million Americans got "high" in 2008, (this figure does not include alcohol)
0 people died from smoking Marijuana ... Ever.... in the United States

OK! Enough statistics right? I just had to put it in your face. It is costing us too much to fight a war that we cannot win, against HUMAN WILL. That's right human will, and we have lost this war before, it was called prohibition. Here is what former president Abraham Lincoln said about prohibition in 1840 before the Illinois House:

"Prohibition will work great injury to the cause of temperance. It is a species of intemperance within itself, for it goes beyond the bounds of reason in that it attempts to control a man's appetite by legislation, and makes a crime out of things that are not crimes. A Prohibition law strikes a blow at the very principles upon which our government was founded."

-Abraham Lincoln (1809-65) U.S. President.

Speech, 18 Dec. 1840, to Illinois House of Representatives.

Dare I say it, History is Repeating itself. Only, this time it is fighting a flower. The plant cannot even kill you, and if it can, that is a really fat blunt and you probably are lying about what killed you. The last time a "prohibition" was ended was in our last recession, we needed the money. It was a depression, something we have found ourselves back in. The tax revenue alone would put our country in much better economic shape, not to mention the money we will save from not putting 16-year olds in jail.

Also, people need to stop telling me, Marijuana is too easy to produce, the demand wont be as high as the federal supply. That's BULLSHIT, you wanna know why. Real stoners are lazy, that's why they can't get jobs. It takes a lot of work to grow quality bud. If there is A STORE!, a store a few blocks away, preferably something you can walk to, slangin' that Ghostface Killah!, PURPLE KUSH or that AK-47 *******> Northern Lights, no one is going to take the time it takes to grow that type of stuff when they can go down the street with their bridge card (electronic-food stamps)and get a dub! Not happening, quote me.

I mean, just fart and laugh. We can regulate usage by making it illegal to drive high, keep it out of teenagers hands with an 18-over age limit, sell vaporizers at an affordable price to make it substantially healthier, and give it out at communion in church. Cigarette smoking will go down, gun demand will go down, High School can change its name back to Secondary, and the average SAT will go up.

Just think, right now stoners across America are smoking your taxes, while you taxes (police) are chasing them in your taxes, fueled by your taxes, all to put them in jail: a.k.a. cheap hotel paid for by your taxes! We could eliminate all these charges by taxing them for their bud and chilling out. No how much does chilling out cost. The cool states have already caught on and have built dispensaries, they gettin' "A-rab money" of that Afghan Kush too.

Alright, to close out this blog post because I have the munchies and I haven't even put the chicken in the oven ( I think I'm gonna make Ramen), think of how many times you said you are not going to smoke because, well, it's illegal. Then think about what you did instead.... Then, think about how much cooler THAT would've been if you were fried. (yea, I'm for sure makin' Ramen, so much quicker)

"You CANNOT CONTROL A MAN'S APPETITE BY LEGISLATION!"- That boy Lincoln was a bad-muthashutcho mouth, wasn't he?I don't know what a happy Jamiacan Looks like when he is happy, per se, but this random one looks pretty cheerful.

The opinions expressed in this Blog, are solely the opinions of a cool person. They are not necessarily the opinions of the blog, Google, or President Obama (although everyone knows he gets down).

Obama, Where is Osama? Osama the Crack Head

2009-03-31T10:50:00.001-04:00

Everyone forgot about the guy with the rhyming name, he is still on the run. America clearly has no idea where he could be.

America is in it's own debacle right now and has lost interest in searching for Osama. But Osama is still out there. According to Al-Jazeera, sounds legit, he is in Chitral, Pakistan in the north, mountainous region of he country. On Saturday Osama published his 29th video since 9/11. Have we given up?

Personally, I am not hat afraid of a man on kidney-dialysis, severely underweight, and suffering from Dehydration. Sounds like a crackhead.

That's it, Osama is just a really driven crackhead! Although the crack over there is probably heroin based, because that is the cash crop that keeps Afghanistan economically afloat. What we have here is a problem many Americans deal with daily, Crackheads talkin' shit. They're prone to stealing vehicles, but have no regard for life. They usually have nappy-ass beards, bones showing, an army camouflage jacket to feel official or remember Nam, and just throw on whatever covers them.

The only thing about Osama that troubles me is his name: OSAMA BIN LADEN. It's too complicated for a crackhead. Crackheads like to keep to 1 name, usually characterizing their lifestyle (I.e. Rocky, Smokey, and Teeth)... You lose your teeth smokin' crack.

Now that we know what type of problem we have on our hands, how do we catch Osama? Easy! Leave some rims in Chachal or whatever. He won't be able to resist. Considering his bounty, he might send someone to get them, but the D's (haha) are going to his hut. If I know anything about crackheads, it is that they love rims; and, they really love tires. They wont buy our trap if we put out Rims on tires.

When the last time you saw tires on a chariot?

Obama, or Osama?

The opinions expressed in this article are the sole opinion of the blog, not Al-Jazeera or the source of the video.

Welcome

2009-03-30T20:37:00.000-04:00

If you fart and laugh, or fart and act like it was someone else, THIS IS THE BLOG FOR YOU! If you think of farts as unbecoming or nasty, THIS IS THE BLOG FOR YOU TOO. I value different perspectives.
If you really don't deal with farts in any capacity, you probably don't have thumbs.

My name is Marcus Alexander and I like people more than I hate farts so I have learned to embrace their positive qualities.More Importantly: I have learned to LIGHTEN UP.

LIGHTEN UP! It is a very simple and healthy philosophy. I just use the metaphor of farting and laughing because it happens everyday, a million times, and only a thousand people laugh. If everyone laughed like me, everyone would add a day to their life every time they farted. Now a fart in a hot car with the windows rolled up is NEVER COOL, and this blog will not endorse Cardinal Party Fouls, we just embrace laughter. So, lighten up, eat a burrito, and Fart & laugh! LOL ... I just farted..