Been busy.

Sorry, I have not been posting lately I have been very busy and it has just been very consuming... I have been performing, writing op-eds and letters to different periodicals, and traveling; however, soon (Saturday) I will be in oh-so-boring Iowa, where I will have more time.

Been busy.

Spam is a HOOD Delicacy, Internet Pest...

Spam is a HOOD Delicacy, Internet Pest...

Spam is a Delicacy

Spam is a Delicacy

Spam is a Delicacy

Sorry Y'all!

I will be bck soon I promise, I'm almost out... I would call you all but I only get 17 seconds on the phone.

Sorry Y'all!

Thumb Up Me!

Thumb Up Me!

Who Framed Roger Federer?

I don't know if you are a tennis fan...

Now that I am sure you are a tennis fan...

Roger Federer can't help but break records. He speaks Swiss German, German, French and English fluently, but can't say "I loss" in any of them. It is quite the linguistic phenomenon. I want to give him a dollar, but I am sure he will be fine without. He is now the greatest tennis player of all-time and will forever be in the discussion for greatest athlete ever.

Can a tennis player be that? I don't think so, it is not physical enough. Other athletes, in contact sports, legacies' have to be judged including the fact that they ran into big uglies at high speeds for their entire careers. It's true, MJ-Shaq. Barry Sanders-anything, including kickers. Barry Bonds-steroid needles and the occasional catcher. Lance Armstrong-pavement. My point is Federer's body is not enduring the stresses of most of the worst world class athletes. I don't if I can compare him to anyone in a real sport. Real sport is war, tennis is war for the officers.

Who Framed Roger Federer?

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Eag!

[Eag] Ha!, that's my nickname. Allow me to explain my absence:

First, I went out of town, for about of a total of six days; I was on a Midwestern tour of my home dogs, and I did a pretty big comedy show as well. It went great, plus I got my granny schwasted on my free drinks.... Good times, bag hangovers.

(pretty bad ones)

Second, I soon was very sick. I was infected with strep from some trashy braud in Ohio playing Beer Pong. I don't make out with trashy brauds often, but I do partner with them in Beer Pong. They handles balls well in the clutch.

See what I mean?

Thirdly, I recently became swamped with legal and medical issues/bills (mostly bills), and I had to position my self to sue... That won't be necessary, my case was successful, hence, my return to the blogosphere. I do need to work on my html code writing and get it poppin' on the Dot Com. Just get your asses ready for something crazy, alot of my blog's plans fell through because of dumbasses, lazies (my other authors), and druggage. I'm back, until further illness.

p.s. to other authors (Varlioli), I really counted on at least two from each of you while I was trippin, sickened, and dickin the law. Dick Cheney that is, he's a lawyer right?

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Eag!

Jaime Foxx and Drake? Digital Girl?

Jaime Foxx and Drake? Digital Girl?

From Marcus

I have been working on the new site, it should be up soon. That is why I have not blogged. MY other contributors are M.I.A. if you're in Michigan you need to come see a show!

From Marcus

Red Wings lost. How could I blog?

Red Wings lost. How could I blog?

Mr. Cruise, Helly Farts

h


I doubt this is real, but thanks for promoting farting and laughing. It just seemed a little too on cue for him. Tom is not fat enough for that. What do you think?
H

Mr. Cruise, Helly Farts

Sarah Palin v. David Letterman . Dun, Dun, Dunnnnnnnnn

Come on now...

“What a commentary there,” Palin said of the comment during an interview on conservative host John Ziegler’s Los Angeles-based radio show. “That’s pretty pathetic, good ole David Letterman.”

But, on exclusively on FnL, You can hear her response.



Was it that pathetic? Did he say anything about Autism? Are adults that live in the public eye fair game? Do you think Palin is still the most inarticulate Governor? The comment about her going for a "slutty flight attendant" look might have been overboard. However, she should write her thoughts down, in my opinion.

We don't make the calls, we just ask the questions. Please, give us your take!
h

Sarah Palin v. David Letterman . Dun, Dun, Dunnnnnnnnn

Veteran Imposter a.k.a. Sergeant Swagga Jacka

Wow, I know the truth hurts, how bad do lies feel? Is this the part where you told America that you shot down the 5th 9/11 plane with the only bullet in a musket you had at your hunting cabin in rural Marland, b/c your grandfather was in the Civil War...

Rick Strandlof, you IGNORANT BASTARD!

How can you fake being a war veteran, are you serious kid? If my pops, an actual veteran of more wars than this [Rick] guy has balls, was still alive, HE WOULD KICK YOUR ARSE RICK!

You suck because you did not even google your lies. The Naval Academy is not in DC, ass. You weren't in the Pentagon on 9/11, ass. Your only mental illness is mental retardation; I'm not sure if it is appropriate to call you an ass for that one, LSD might be to blame. It made me think I was in a war once, but I did not wake up a war vet.

Actually, I'm going to go with 'Meth' on this one, not LSD.

So, I hear you raised a little money for homeless veterans. Also, you raised a litle bit of money for homeless you, how inspiring.

Hey kids, you can skip JROTC and lie about fighting in a war, based on the information you almost got from your teacher but you skipped, so the story eventually won't make sense.

I could take this blog in a rather serious direction about the tradition and honor of the uniforms, but I'd rather elaborate on the orange jumpsuit you are about to wear, ass (I don't say that enough). Mainly, because you never wore the honorable uniform, you just said you did. Anways, check out some famous orange jumpsuits, and possible Soap-Drop Predators.

Before "they" take your cookies Rick, the will bake in a pan made by her, Martha Stewart.

The picture is B&W, but the jumpsuit is completely orange. Promise. Shyne gets out soon...

Remember me? I used to be a brillian actor, then I took a "coke-recess." Post-prison, rehab, I am, once again, a brilliant actor.

Get it bastard! You will be in jail, then you will get released and lie. It's what you do, and I don't hate . But, c'mon man, lie about being smart or something beleivable.

OOOORAH! Wait, do you even know what hat means?

Veteran Imposter a.k.a. Sergeant Swagga Jacka

Ten Worst Things in Existence

A couple years ago, my friends Jordan and Luke spent the week coming up with certain top 10 lists. Since they have exited from the Top 10 list-creating industry, I thought I would give it a whirl. While watching a fork lift today, I realized how much cool stuff there is in the world. From there I tried to think of the Top 10 Coolest Things in Existance. When that failed, I made this list of the Top 10 Worst Things in Existance.

10) First Class Seating. Because rich people cannot be out of their comfort zone of wealth for more than 3 hours at a time.

9) Blogs in which people update about their days. Because no one really cares. At all.

8) Infomercials at 3 a.m. Because no one really needs a 9 piece knife set that can cut through iron pipes.

7) The 9 piece knife set that can cut through iron pipes. Because of you, half-sleeping individuals know for a fact they are going to need to slice their way out of a metal box one day. See also: super-grinding blender, Tony Little’s Gazelle.

6) Seat belt laws. Because these are in existence as a result of the lack of better judgment of human beings.

5) Whatever the hell this is.

4) The Atomic Bomb. Because America gets what America wants.

3) The Electoral College. Because it doesn’t matter if more people vote for someone, flawed systems are more fun.

2) SUVs. Because no one thought gas prices would rise again.

And the number one worse thing in existence:

1) Fox News. Because not only do they say whatever they want, but people actually believe what they say.

Ten Worst Things in Existence

Thinking about writing.

So somebody gave me a compliment on my last blog telling me it was a good stream of consciousness. This is a high compliment to me because I try to write this stuff like I talk, which is hard because none of the stuff ever gets said out loud.

Then I got to thinking, in order for something to be a “good stream of consciousness” the individual writing must not be thinking about making it a stream of consciousness, or else it will seem forced. If something is not coming from the conscious, there are only two possible locations from which it could come.


One possibility is from the unconscious, but I think that is unlikely because I’d be passed out on the keyboard and this post would read something like this:

acilnnirccccuashfjkdlcabbyuoweuinfdklashfueiowqhfeihfasiud
fbdsafgyuerfguiudspoafwioerjb4b4tfuckfdjklahdfudygfdifhjkd
ashfdsfuisdaofdksafdljdklafjkldsnfjifhudhfujklfdopaodkfmfm

I actually rolled my head around on the keyboard to produce that string of text and somehow “fuck” still ended up in the middle of it all. That’s a sign.

The other possible, and more probable option is that a stream of consciousness comes from the sub-conscious. So this means that in writing a stream of consciousness, it must come from the sub-conscious, thereby invalidating the name. It should rightfully be called a stream of sub-conscious (ness?).

But some English maker decided to call it the stream of consciousness. What was their logic?


If they follow the same rules of English as the author of the following note (actual excerpt from facebook), then I can see where the term came from.

"Ok I guess I need to one of these even so often to remind you, WHO FUCK I AM…All I am saying dont fuck forget who I am….No if you fuck me over and/do wrong by me I make sure dont do it again and I promise that people been calling me crazy for years I will show you why I am truly crazy. BTW I AM TRUE BELIEVER IN THE IDEA OF FUCK SAYING FUCK THEY FEELINGS!!"

Yeah! You tell ‘em.

I just realized that in trying to write a stream of consciousness from my sub-conscious, I messed up and made it sound forced. Oh the irony. Stay tuned for my next sub-conscious post.

Thinking about writing.

Hugs Twenty-Five Cents, Sucka!

Listen here! I am an entrepreneur, and I don't do this for free. I'm slangin' hugs, take em', or leave em. They are currently valued at....

That's pretty clear. If you request a hug, and you're hard to reach, it's going to run you a bit more.

However, if you are hot.... It's all good.

Hugs Twenty-Five Cents, Sucka!

This is Overdue!, better late than never....

This is Overdue!, better late than never....

More Mitch, this is some of the great...

More Mitch, this is some of the great...

PLEASE FIND!! WILL PAY REWARD!!!

I am hosting a contest online, THE ULTIMATE MINORITY!

and... I need your help b/c I'm not everyone's Facebook friend. I need someone to bring/photograph for fartandlaugh.com someone who meets the following requirements:

1. Under 5'6'' tall
2. Man
3. Black or illegal Mexican or both!
   
4. Jewish
5. Homosexual
6. Entree-level employee at a non-profit
7. Republican (show includes new minority groups too) !

He's such a Jew, I often think his complexion is foundation!

That's right all of that stuff, I'm too lazy to retype it. Or, look up that far for that matter, I refuse to scroll to see the first two. Weren't 1 & 2 like Female Nascar driver and Black Nascar driver?
Sounds legit.

I have a lot of respect for the dude, despite the disrespectful nature of his blog.

Not as legit as that "Tom Cruse" that sells "hoverounds..."

I will pay $10 to the first guy who finds me a short, black, gay, Jew, that works for a non profit.

Yea, I'm gonna need change.... Sorry...

Previews to the Contest: Ultimate Minority, coming soon.

PLEASE FIND!! WILL PAY REWARD!!!

Europe > America

(new author)

America is widely known as the greatest nation in the world. While some believe this with an undoubted assurance (see: Republican Party, hillbillies), there are those of us that cannot imagine why, specifically those that understand how Fox News is complete bull. Why we might seem pretty good at times, democracy and baseball come to mind, we really aren’t all that good. I’m not gonna bring our economy into it (because it’s a worldwide recession) nor us electing George Bush twice (every country has a dark point in its history), but I’m gonna relate it to sports. Here’s why.

Number 1: The word “big” is a perfectly acceptable nickname for a sports star: i.e. Big Papi (sure hes not from America, but he’s here now), and Big Baby (both the basketball and the football player). This shows that an extra Big Mac here and there and here and there is ok, and this encourages the kids….to eat. You won’t see that in Europe.

Number 2: In America, smashing people is a great excuse for a sport, just throw some pads in there. Don’t get me wrong, I love big hits in football and hockey, not to mention hockey is the only sport where fighting is acceptable while still able to stay in the game. But imagine these men when they retire. Their brains must be smashed to a pulp; this could be why kids sit in front of the T.V. all day. They're trying to aspire to be like their role models once they retire. Last time I checked, neither football nor hockey is too popular in Europe (don’t try to correct my grammar, Microsoft Word spell checked it).

Number 3: Nascar is a sport. Sure, Europe has Formula 1 and stuff, but at least those drivers can turn both ways. How much skill does it take to drive straight and hang a left? Imagine those guys driving in the real world. A curve to the right on the highway would cause a multiple car pile up. Not a good idea. In addition to it not being difficult in the slightest, Nascar can also literally kill you. I talked with Fart and Laughs own Luke the Statistician, and he determined that cars are the number 1 killer of people in this country (I don't know how accurate that could be, he hasnt graduated with his Statistician degree just yet). In any event, they kill a lot of people. So why even do it if it risks death?

I have figured out one thing to solve all of this: get good at soccer. This is the biggest sport in the world as far as publicity is concerned, so if they’re looking for a upped T.V. ratings, soccer is the way to go. This solves a couple of the issues I presented.

• Have you ever seen a fat soccer player? NO. Have you ever tried to do a bicycle kick? Now add 200 pounds and try to do it, you can’t even get to the ball quick enough. Obesity problem solved.

• Soccer is the most non-contact sport ever, except for the watered down version of basketball they now call the NBA, where you can’t look sideways at LeBron James without getting a technical flagrant 2 foul and a 3 game suspension plus a fine and multiple days of ridicule on Sportscenter. All these retired football players (I’m gonna start using the word football because it applies to soccer WAY more than American football. Hey, there’s another good reason America sucks, they can’t even name their sports in a way that pertains to the content of the sport. Wtf does soccer even mean?) are fine in their old age, no brain damage to speak of, AND they’re still in good shape. American football players cannot say the same.
  
• Ok, Nascar and football are not related in any way at all, but the fact that Nascar exists as a “sport” just urks me. It’s just glorified traffic…all you’re doing is driving a car around a track. That doesn’t define a sport in the any way, shape, or form.

So America, take a hint from Europe. They have to be doing something right, they kept the Euro at a decent enough amount of value. Maybe football can do it, maybe it can’t. But what I do know is we will have smarter, more in shape old people (which would translate into more fit and intelligent kids), which would maybe cause one of these old retired people to disband Nascar as a sport and rename it as a form of recreation…or just as a form of something people do on a daily basis that can’t really be called anything out of the ordinary. In any case, football cannot do any harm that I can see. They’ll even make the kids better actors, cause everyone knows football players can win Academy Awards if they opened a category for best fake injury without even being touched. Come on America, do something good for once. Make these last 300 years actually mean something besides the atomic bomb and democracy. Make it mean real football.

Europe > America

First the Fat Boys Break Up? Now GM Bankrupt!

How did the company that sells Escalades and Hummers go bankrupt?

BECAUSE IT COSTS $120 @$#%^@! dollars to fill op their tanks. GM better get with it or get lost. Although, you have to be a dumb-shit if you get lost in a GM these days; they are all equipped with On-Star.

GM should be pressing the button to the right, right about now, huh?

GM should be a warning to the other motor companies, big is not better. Not for anyone. Not for the environment, not for roads, not for fuel efficiency, and certainly not for cost. The 2009 Escalade is in the upper $70,000. I don't get it USA. Does Europe have to beat us to everything? Just look at some of the top European selling cars, they are all small and fuel efficient. They also cost less than our side airbag systems. Which we would not necessarily need if we didn't have dinosaurs on our streets.


The GM brand's hallmark has been SUVs since SUVs became popular (i.e., Envoy, Suburban, Jimmy {yes, Jimmy}, Trailblazer, etc....), with some Buick/Caddy sedanage on the side. GM is now forced to restructure because the cars stop selling, fuel went up, and the cars are really expensive to make/transport/sit on Lots.

Not actual size!

Here is my tip to GM: Go to every hood and offer Escalades and Suburbans to the heavy drug dealers, in exchange for fifty thousand dollars cash. Don't ask for credit, or even their name. Just move these boys like the coca, they'll sale. Luxury sells itself GM.

First the Fat Boys Break Up? Now GM Bankrupt!

These Inventions Deserve A Handclap

.... The Baseball Glove!

... The Oven Mit!


... The Bowler Thing-er Ma-bob


[I don't know what it's for, but I know it does something important for hands]


Last but not least:

... Acrylic





[a.k.a. "Crito - Gel"]
(that was a long joke eh?)

These Inventions Deserve A Handclap

1 in 3 Fart and Laugh Posts Are Worth Reading

(new author)

Last year was my first year at UofM, and there's a crazy amount of pressure to actually pick a major. I have finally decided what I want to study: statistics.


A lot of people say that stuff like statistics and marketing is a cop out. Its what people do when they have no real desires. Don't think that. I know what I want. I've spent many sleepless nights thinking about this issue.

See, I know what you're thinking, because I read the minds of readers (I'm a reader mind reader). You are thinking "Luke, its not that serious, its just statistics". See, that's where you're wrong, statistics are the leading cause of depression in the nation. Yeah, how's that for a serious statistic?.

7 in 10 statistics are made up on the spot.
Didn't know that, did you? I made it up.

All this depression gives statisticians a bad name. When have you ever heard a happy statistic? You never hear somebody say "reading blogs increases intelligence by 18 percent" its always something like "15 percent of America's time is wasted reading blogs per day". That's depressing. In the midst of an economic crisis, you are reading this you are wasting America's time. Some statistician is out there gettin' paid to tell you depressing stats. Its messed up, the whole system is just corrupt. What does statistics do to make people happy? Nothing.

I will right these wrongs, integrity will be restored to the profession of statistics. Statisticians will be more sought after then doctors once I am in the game.

1 in 10 men die of testicular cancer.
Lance Armstrong screwed somebody over.

But it doesn't have to be that way. No sir. Once I'm in the stats game, I'm gonna be spewing happy statistics all over the place. I want to come up with statistics that make people laugh, stuff that people hear and go "man, my life has improved since learning that information".

But what kind of stats will make people happy? That was my biggest dilemma. Until I got to thinking, Marcus is right, farts really are the solution to everything.

How many people fart a day? At any given moment, is there somebody on the planet farting? What is the machine gun fart to wet fart ratio (aka the brown ratio)? I do not know the answers to these questions. But when I do, it will make you happy.

8.5/10 people try to compress their sneezes.
Now, stats like these confuse me. Did only one half of a conjoined twin participate or what?
As a statistician, I won't be cutting anybody in half.

One stat you can be sure of though: Fart and Laugh will double its fan base within a week of me jumping on board.

Thanks for reading.

1 in 3 Fart and Laugh Posts Are Worth Reading

5 Words White People Over Use! (From a Black Man's Perspective)

5. Golf




4. Tan ( I think my noticing this word may be a bit bias)

3. What's up! [usually followed by brother, brotha, dude, or bro]



2. AWESOME! Some hand-gesture usually accompanies!

1. Sure




"sure, yep..." HAHAHAHA I love white folks...

Do y'all [they] even realize how much y'all say that... I just could not find great video examples b/c I'm trying to pass out before 6 A.M. today. If @elzee was less busy we could make the vids...

Did I really need to put that video up, just listen for it in your next conversation.


p.s. pass out*

5 Words White People Over Use! (From a Black Man's Perspective)

Interracial Squirrels

My brother is a rising sophomore at MSU (Michigan State University) and alerted me about something strange, he's noticed about his campus. The Black squirrels have brown tails, and the brown ones, black tails. The wildest one I've heard of is a black squirrel with a raccoon tail, what the hell is that about?!?



This is driving him crazy because he can't believe what it implies. The brown squirrels and the black squirrels are getting down! That's pretty funny to me so I thought I'd share it and advise you all to do the same!

If you a black squirrel, get you a brown nut!

and vice versa...

This is real. If you don't believe me, eat a snickers in East Lansing!

Interracial Squirrels

I Respect You!

I know a lot of people have heard that a lot of nude pictures have surfaced the net and twitter.

FART n LAUGH will not be posting these pictures to get more hits for our blog or whatever.

I think this celebrity women are the victims of computer predators. I will not support it. And, we will not objectify women's bodies with this nonsense. I hope the blogging community stops this trend. What if someone actually thought you were important, and hacked your computer to put intimate photos of you on the net.

"It's hard to meet someone when you've already seen their vagina." -Russell Brand

Stop posting other people's business!

If you must post pictures of two people right before they get in bed, let them be Mormon

Nude Cassie, Rhianna, JLo, and Mariah?... nah

I Respect You!

I Added Another Author

He is about to make his inaugural post!
You know, I just could not handle the millions of groupies myself welcome @mikeevee!

I Added Another Author

I broke the 'L" Key on my comp and haven't been blogging because of it

I broke the 'L" Key on my comp and haven't been blogging because of it

Hit Me Up On Aim, I Love to Chat

hoodlectual
f

Hit Me Up On Aim, I Love to Chat

Who's Better Than 'Mike'...

It's becoming ridiculous.

Not that ridiculous, but does it matter that much?
Or this much?


AKA: "This Many!" AKA: NOT AT ALL!

"Bron, look at that legacy man. It's life's essence." "I already know bro, that's why I picked his number (23). I want to be him." "I want to be one better. That's why I picked his number, plus one (Take a shot in the dark)."


"I'm a dog! I wake up and chase the paper boy." And, slobber with my mouth open.


"[I will probably] need a foot doctor." I Don't really care who's better than Jordan, I just know it won't be this tool.


To be honest, I thought the 'Superman' get-up was bit of a stretch.

Who's Better Than 'Mike'...

R.I.P. Mitch Hedberg

" I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to too!" - Mitch Himself

R.I.P. Mitch Hedberg

NBA or WWE

Are you kidding me? ...

Apparently the owner of the Nuggets booked WWE Raw tonight at the end of the season expecting the Nuggets to be eliminated by now. They are scheduled to start at 8:30, the game is scheduled to start at 7:00. True, the owner is a jackass, but seriously? I think that the wrestling event can relocate to another venue. The WWE should sue the Nuggets owner for breach contract though too, for the money it will lose tonight.


However, Vince McMahon needs to know his place on this one. The Wrestling Actors Guild needs to let the Denver Nuggets play in their stadium, simple as that. Who would have thought that the Nuggest would be out the first round? I didn't, they never are. But what I do is that John Cena and those other characters just sit ringside on this one. It is not that big of a deal. K-Mart and Chauncey could probably whoop on Big Daddy V (seen above) anyway. It's not like he really knows how to fight or can actually move. If He can move I know it must register on the Richter at 6'6'' and 500 lbs. That's a lot of man and even more pig. That's why I don't eat Hog Mogs.

I'm excited for this year's NBA Final because of Kobe and Lebron. Everyone knows Kobe and Lebron. No one can say for sure who is better, because they have never battled out on the ultimate stage. However, it will be exciting to see how Kobe settles in an arena a short drive away from the spa where he was accused of raping 19 year-old, Katelyn Faber.

Remember Me? No? Oh, well that's too bad, because I'm famous for lying about being raped by Kobe Bryant. (Psss... "He's big, black, rich, strong, and married.")

Anyways, whoever wins their respective Conference Final and then wins the NBA championship, is clearly better than Michael Jordan. That's what this is all about, nothing else. Who is better than Jordan, Kobe or Lebron. Not who can fake kick some over-sized actor's arse. WWE get out the way, wrestle in some Middle School's playground, that's where all your fans will be anyway.

NBA or WWE

Drunk Aussie vs. Shark!

When I was first heard about this story my friend started by saying,"Did you hear about that drunk Aussie?" I knew it was going to be bad! Aussies + Alcoholic Beverage =

Or Something like that... But, you get what I'm saying. Australians should not be able to drink, their natural BAC is about .02! After they drink who knows what they are capable of? I do.

Australians can hop in the OCEAN drunk, and beat a shark to death. Nuts? Right? I am not scared of much, but I just usually don't pick fights with sharks. They're legit scrappers, they're one of those animals in the "You will never find me in a Petting Zoo"-category.

I stand corrected. He must be Australian.

The point is, one of the most ferocious beings on earth, a shark, was beat to death by a drunk Australian. I would never fight a shark, would you? If I find out the shark he killed was one of those little ones you keep in your crib I will turn from scared of Australia to pissed at Australia. If you must take your belligerence to fist-a-cups (who actually says that), Fight a great white, not a little tan. Damnit!

And, start drinkin better beer Australia, right now the good beer from your country is like the Natty Ice of ours (America).


Sorry I hadn't blogged in a while I was learning how to be funny in Chicago... (soon be my new home)

Drunk Aussie vs. Shark!