On the Set of Hotel Rwanda 2: The Return of the Tutsi Cockaroaches!

My new job is an amazing experience. I am a census enumerator. Specifically, my job is to walk through Detroit updating maps and address information. There is a lot of danger in that description alone. But, I am assigned to some of the most violent areas in Detroit. I know you are thinkin... How Fun! Not at all homies..

(can you believe they make us walk with that nice thingger-mer-bob -a.k.a. 'please rob me!')

Incident 1

Yesterday, I was walking down a s[c]reet on the Eastside (it's 'screet' on the Eastside) called G****, and I went up to this one house with a rope hanging out it and a trapper fence up. A man walked outside who was either retarded or Spanish because he was speaking broken english and struggled to not make sense. I told him I was with the Census Bureau; shortly after, Hell commenced.

A.M.B.W. (hint* Mad and Woman in that acronym) busted through the front door. She screamed, "you with the Muufuckin Feds?!* Get the hell off my motha fuckin* property hoe, before I kill you!" Then I just started laughing because she was so mad about a professional counter. She realized the joke was on her, so the blaxican and I just fell to the ground with our laughter... She took her mad ass back in, and I left.

(I haven't seen a white man in weeks, for some reason, that scares me)

Incident 2

While I was talking with a resident whose house was on my list, he stopped me in the middle of the conversation...`He told me, "you can come in cuzzo, if you want to and shit, but I know you got dat Mag in the bookbag (reffering to my census bag)." I just asked why. But before he responded, I noticed the reason. It was like a scene fresh out of Blood Diamond, or Hotel Rwanada. An angry mob of tall black men, pumpin' fists and [kitchen knives], were coming straight towards my block. My canvassee just said, "they unknown to dis block and need to be ran off dis bitch.*" Soon later, children without shoes, shirts and belts, ran across the street screaming unintelligible phrases laden with only one term familiar to me: 'nigga.'*

This is all true, and was just as crazy when it happened. Even I cannot believe what I wrote is true, and it happened to me! W.T.F....

*sorry for the language but I am trying to give it to you straight./I love the D and wish this was not the case...

On the Set of Hotel Rwanda 2: The Return of the Tutsi Cockaroaches!

Bird Flu, Swine Flu..... What's next?

OK, every time someone gets sick while abroad, someone from the CDC names the illness the [Insert Animal] flu. It's simple and I am sick of it. If I catch a cold in out in Zambouki, they are gonna tell me I have the hippo flu...



I ain't buyin' it, because I don't kiss Hippos. No one kisses Hippos - the most friendly looking animals, with the softest name [Hippo] - are the most dangerous in all of Africa. Ain't that some crazy bs... But that's not the point, the point is people don't kiss Hippos. I know this because White people don't kiss Hippos! If white people don't kiss 'em, no one does. I promise. Except that one African that lives among them and is embraced by the pack, because he is a Disney Movie Character.

I also hate how they never get straight to the point for the public. Bird Flu, instead of Chicken Wing Flu?.... I don't get it. Swine Flu, instead of Bacon and Ribs Flu? W.T.F. What could they call the Hippo Flu?

I usually don't eat much Hippo either, so I don't see how I could contract the Hippo Flu. But, I know if I tell customs I'm sick 'Hippo' Flu would be the Diagnosis...

AYE!

Bird Flu, Swine Flu..... What's next?

Somali Pirates Really A Threat ?

If you watch South Park, or used to watch it, you know my good friend Starvin Marvin! If not this is him:


Well he grew a few inches/pubes, and migrated a few miles south to neighboring Somalia. Unfortunately it has become the trend of thousands of young Somali and Ethiopian children. He left to become a pirate. I don't know why. In history, six of them have gotten ransoms, killed everyone in their crew and got the hell out of that lawless country [Somalia]. All the rest of the so called 'pirates' got killed. Do they really think they have a chance against a Navy, in those little inflatable rafts?

They're not pirates, they are just a bunch of Starvin Marvins. I don't understand them though, the boats are usually carrying FOOD!

Stop, you idiots, before you all die horrible deaths. The French are even kicking your asses...


That should be a sign. They're famous for pastries and purses.

Today the Starvin' Marvins were quoted saying that they are going to go after the Americans and the French in light of recent failure. I say bring it on you bastards. You are going after ships that are bringing you aid, I don't understand that. Do you rather eat steak you stole?

SMH!..

Somali Pirates Really A Threat ?