I Now Have the Swine Flu! a.k.a. Influenza A subtype Virus H1N1

KARMA!

See my post a few days before? Making fun of the CDC and it's declaration of pandemics. Well, Don't Like It! In fact, don't even scroll down there; you might get the flu...

Not just any flu, the swine flu. I figured if I blogged about how real the epidemic is [It's very very Real!], the pig God's will forgive me. Furthermore I will like to apologize to following pigs:

I owe this to you and Kermit. I'm sorry for calling you ugly, your voice annoying, and the fact that til today at 9:00 p.m. I consider your character totally pointless.


Honestly, you look like you are waiting to hear me say sorry. Sneaky motha-shut-yo-mouth! I'm sorry for accusing you of taking 'it' under the ole' coil from Christopher-Robin. Also, I actually like your over-sized ears (*they go well with your tiny body*), and your male one-piece swimsuit is not homo-**, I never even considered that you could be an Olympic swimmer.


OK Mr Ross, I admit, I may have been wrong about your species. But, if you are not really an Everglade Boar, you're awfully close. I am really sorry for the misunderstanding. Could you please talk to your now-distant cousins about keeping the illness amongst themselves. Again, sorry for the pig allegations...

Now Bloggers/Blog Readers, I must go. I need to heal. I just hope that the Pig God's consider my apologies and condolocences. The Fart and Laugh blog cannot last if I am sick/dead/quarantined with hill-billies, Mexicans, and the aforementioned notable pigs. I will be killed. My only advice is to avoid riding planes, cars, trains, buses, horses, sluts, and bikes. Is that everything? Ok, good... Also, don't go inside, that's how I got it. I WENT INSIDE. So stay outside, perhaps, under a tree. Pigs hate trees. Avoid piggly-wigglys in the South, avoid very obese men in the North. And if rains, take that as an opportunity to rinse off all your bacon grease, swine grine, oinkment etc... Be resourceful, Be American an please, please, please DON'T GO INSIDE!

p.s. Paris Hilton appears to be infected as well.

**sapien, of course!

I Now Have the Swine Flu! a.k.a. Influenza A subtype Virus H1N1

Dope Detroit Rapper!

Dope Detroit Rapper!

On the Set of Hotel Rwanda 2: The Return of the Tutsi Cockaroaches!

My new job is an amazing experience. I am a census enumerator. Specifically, my job is to walk through Detroit updating maps and address information. There is a lot of danger in that description alone. But, I am assigned to some of the most violent areas in Detroit. I know you are thinkin... How Fun! Not at all homies..

(can you believe they make us walk with that nice thingger-mer-bob -a.k.a. 'please rob me!')

Incident 1

Yesterday, I was walking down a s[c]reet on the Eastside (it's 'screet' on the Eastside) called G****, and I went up to this one house with a rope hanging out it and a trapper fence up. A man walked outside who was either retarded or Spanish because he was speaking broken english and struggled to not make sense. I told him I was with the Census Bureau; shortly after, Hell commenced.

A.M.B.W. (hint* Mad and Woman in that acronym) busted through the front door. She screamed, "you with the Muufuckin Feds?!* Get the hell off my motha fuckin* property hoe, before I kill you!" Then I just started laughing because she was so mad about a professional counter. She realized the joke was on her, so the blaxican and I just fell to the ground with our laughter... She took her mad ass back in, and I left.

(I haven't seen a white man in weeks, for some reason, that scares me)

Incident 2

While I was talking with a resident whose house was on my list, he stopped me in the middle of the conversation...`He told me, "you can come in cuzzo, if you want to and shit, but I know you got dat Mag in the bookbag (reffering to my census bag)." I just asked why. But before he responded, I noticed the reason. It was like a scene fresh out of Blood Diamond, or Hotel Rwanada. An angry mob of tall black men, pumpin' fists and [kitchen knives], were coming straight towards my block. My canvassee just said, "they unknown to dis block and need to be ran off dis bitch.*" Soon later, children without shoes, shirts and belts, ran across the street screaming unintelligible phrases laden with only one term familiar to me: 'nigga.'*

This is all true, and was just as crazy when it happened. Even I cannot believe what I wrote is true, and it happened to me! W.T.F....

*sorry for the language but I am trying to give it to you straight./I love the D and wish this was not the case...

On the Set of Hotel Rwanda 2: The Return of the Tutsi Cockaroaches!

Bird Flu, Swine Flu..... What's next?

OK, every time someone gets sick while abroad, someone from the CDC names the illness the [Insert Animal] flu. It's simple and I am sick of it. If I catch a cold in out in Zambouki, they are gonna tell me I have the hippo flu...



I ain't buyin' it, because I don't kiss Hippos. No one kisses Hippos - the most friendly looking animals, with the softest name [Hippo] - are the most dangerous in all of Africa. Ain't that some crazy bs... But that's not the point, the point is people don't kiss Hippos. I know this because White people don't kiss Hippos! If white people don't kiss 'em, no one does. I promise. Except that one African that lives among them and is embraced by the pack, because he is a Disney Movie Character.

I also hate how they never get straight to the point for the public. Bird Flu, instead of Chicken Wing Flu?.... I don't get it. Swine Flu, instead of Bacon and Ribs Flu? W.T.F. What could they call the Hippo Flu?

I usually don't eat much Hippo either, so I don't see how I could contract the Hippo Flu. But, I know if I tell customs I'm sick 'Hippo' Flu would be the Diagnosis...

AYE!

Bird Flu, Swine Flu..... What's next?

Sadhus are Real and Awesome

If you know what a Sadhu is, you are either from India, Hindu, or a nerd!

Here's the scoop, Sadhus are ascetics in various sects of the Hindu religion. Technically, they have achieved the first three goals of Hinduism (Karma, artha and dharma.) What they actually do is voluntary go homeless, practice yoga til they are like a Jedi, "accidentally" stop wearing clothes, eat food donations from the lay people, and SMOKE THAT KUSH.

I'm not making this up. Most Sadhus start an apprenticeship of sorts, following an old-ass one, in their late teens-early20s. Few start later because of some financial, family, or spiritual issues they find untenable.

How sweet is this?

• No clothes,
  
• Free Indian Food (which is awesome if you've never had it)
• Permission to grow/accept weed and smoke it in public, in a wooden pipe!
  
• No Haircuts
• Face Paint
• Strong as hell, b/c you get to do yoga a lot

That looks good to me. I wonder if I can be one here in the hood, if I convert. Soon I will upload an electronic petition for me to be a Hood Sahu. I think that this has that making of a [legend feel] war with a country with a billion people. No racial fellas, no racial; I just really like the Sadhu way, it's too chill. Especially the wooden ice they all have...

Sadhus are Real and Awesome

The Belated Saturday Photo Blog... Support Locally-Based Business

I never understood why, in Detroit, I see so many



But then I thought about where fuel usually comes from..



There is little consistency... Sometimes it happens like this...



Or this...



Very Rarely, like this...

I just want to know America...

Why can't we be friends?*

That last photo was in India, and is like 16 million people long. Sweet.

*Not including Ohio State University students. Seriously.

The New way to Rob!

So.. You won't believe this! There is a new way to rob someone and it's hilarious; moreover, it is very efficient.

Apparently, the new way to commit armed robbery is: the perpetrators demand that the victims remove their pants. I am so serious, some robbers in my grandmas hood told me, this is the inside scoop! The logic is that the victims will not chase the robbers and they won't be so eager to report the crime to the public.

If you thought Sadhus were wild, this is way crazier...



Honestly I did not believe it; however, shortly after a family friend was ordered (at gunpoint in Farm. Hills, MI) to remover pants and give up her wallet, whatever douchebags take,etc... If someone tried rob me/ordered me to remove my pants, I would pee on them. But, what would you do if they took your levi's. Would you chase 'em? Pee on 'em? Run into hiding? Take advantage of the breeze?

The New way to Rob!

This Week in Cribs...

MTV Cribs... meets White House/Black President



MTV Cribs... meets Al Gore vacation home...



MTV Cribs... meets the Wild Thornberrys



MTV Compound...meets Bill Gates
When you have a billion dollars,"A house is not a home," it's a 'Compound.'

MTV Foreclosure... meets Mike Tyson



MTV Cribs International... meets Osama [location unspecified and subject to change]

This Week in Cribs...

Child Soldiers vs. Team America

My problem with America is not that it is overpopulated, disproportionately detrimental to the environment, infatuated with Hollister like there are no better clothes, half racist, same-half-homophobic, therefore − half idiot, greedy, lazy, and very fat; my problem with America is that we spend all our time on other countries minor issues to neglect our own.

I know terrorism is real, and we should look for Osama, but that’s it. We have to find the leader if we want some results because Al-Qaeda means cockroach in a few languages. Them muuhfuckas don’t die (Unless they blow themselves up, which is rare these days thanks to the iPhone). Insurgents die, but Al-Qaedas don’t. If you think they do, tell me one Al-Qaeda member that has died… (save Al-Zarqawi)

But in other places in the world, we still try to be Team America, World Police. I’m talking about Africa! That’s right, Africa. Ok, Liberia is fucked partially because of U.s. (acronym for the United States, not accusing anyone of anything). It’s partially our fault because we sent some American Negroes back over to Africa, and they raised hell. And, actually continue to raise hell. So, we can go there. The diamond trade is ridiculous, and its lowest levels are very inhumane, very inhumane (I'm not redundant, I'm focusing in). Liberia should be a concern of ours. Tanzania should not! I don’t mean that in a rude way, I am just saying the nation was not a part of the slave trade, American diplomacy, oil, the making of Hotel Rwanda, or the birthplace of that bald chick I keep seeing in magazines modeling and shit…

Y'all know the chick I'm talkin' 'bout.

The U.S.S. Maersk Alabama was delivering food relief to Kenya and Tanzania. At the same time three million people, to our limited knowledge, struggle to eat in the US. This hijacking was our fault; we should stay the hell out of there. We didn’t have any business any business there the first time, any business in Iraq, and we certainly don’t have any business there now. While these pirates are not Al-cockroaches, I fear they may be getting ideas. If the US stubbornly goes back through the area (East Africa) unarmed, I might laugh. Just because: Team America, World Police was supposed to be a joke!

Like this new campaign to stop ‘child’ soldiers. WTF, in UGANDA! That is none of our damn business. I’m sorry, it’s not. And let me tell you somthin’ about that whole pitch about “child-soldiers,” and saving them because they are just kids. It’s sad and touching, it really is. But, when you put an AK47 into someone’s hands, AT WHATEVR AGE!, they just became grown. It’s simple. You cannot tell me that a kid playing Pop Warner is on the same terms that a kid that can Pop a cap in Kurt Warner from 400 meters out. It’s not the same. But who am I? You be the judge!

Same Sport, Same Shirt. Go ahead, Team America.

Child Soldiers vs. Team America

Somali Pirates Really A Threat ?

If you watch South Park, or used to watch it, you know my good friend Starvin Marvin! If not this is him:


Well he grew a few inches/pubes, and migrated a few miles south to neighboring Somalia. Unfortunately it has become the trend of thousands of young Somali and Ethiopian children. He left to become a pirate. I don't know why. In history, six of them have gotten ransoms, killed everyone in their crew and got the hell out of that lawless country [Somalia]. All the rest of the so called 'pirates' got killed. Do they really think they have a chance against a Navy, in those little inflatable rafts?

They're not pirates, they are just a bunch of Starvin Marvins. I don't understand them though, the boats are usually carrying FOOD!

Stop, you idiots, before you all die horrible deaths. The French are even kicking your asses...


That should be a sign. They're famous for pastries and purses.

Today the Starvin' Marvins were quoted saying that they are going to go after the Americans and the French in light of recent failure. I say bring it on you bastards. You are going after ships that are bringing you aid, I don't understand that. Do you rather eat steak you stole?

SMH!..

Somali Pirates Really A Threat ?

Kiss My Ass, I'm On Vaction!

The embargo's end is near. It comes at a time when I could not turned down the beautiful women, coastline, and arts of the forbidden isla.

I really never saw Cuba as a threat. Even when they were holding Soviet missiles, everyone knew they weren't trying to mess with the big dogs, the U.S. (I was going to type 'us,' but that actually is quite the double entendre. In fact, I love Cuba, and Castro is my cousin. Well probably not but you know how we ***** folks get, everybody wit a nappy beard and bad credit is our cousin. And Fidel has some bad ass credit, his score is probably negative... (see crackhead description in Osama article here: http://fartandlaugh.blogspot.com/2009/03/obama-where-is-osama-osama-crack-head.html#comments)

Look what our stubbornness has done to a nation that never really attacked us. We thought they had plans, but we also 'thought' Iraq had "Nuculer War-Heads." I just don't see what good have we done to Cubans if we caused a whole country to be impoverished and stuck in cars from the NAACP glory days. Truthfully, it puts a bad taste in my mouth. Sorta like: McDonald's right after you watch Super Size Me... Yuck!!!

Why don't we ever hear the good things about Cuba in our national media? They have one of the highest literacy rates in the world (cuz there is no Xbox360). They have one of the lowest violent crime rates (b/c you can't flee the country). Afro-Cubans geberally have the same standard-of-living as all other Cubans (Virtually unheard of in the West)! Everyone has healthcare, it's not HAP, but it is healthcare. There is not a lot of AIDs (we won't discuss that). And, I have not seen a crackhead there yet! I cannot confirm this because we all know how elusive crack heads are (see Osama post) but I am honestly yet to find one.

I am considering a lot more video blogging because many people in the US don't read... thoughts?

Or maybe a site with a sections dedicated to videos?

Without that purple bath robe rope I would have never spotted this crackhead! Dummy gave himself away.

Kiss My Ass, I'm On Vaction!

FREEZE!

This is a funny video from our friends at IMPROV EVERYWHERE, 'FnL' is ONE OF THEIR FAVORITE BLOGGERS



Tight

FREEZE!

OBAMA WTF WERE YOU THINKING!

Bo?
What the hell is a 'Bo'?

I like some of your choices, but not your choice of pet names. I have a serious problem with this dumb name if you chose it because of your own initials. Truthfully, your own name isn't all that dynamite "Barack Hussein", but that is because it is from Kenya [actually, Hussein is a bit more than dynamite]. Bo is a very American name, and a garbage American name to Bo-ot.

Speaking of boots, have you seen the dog? He has little white boots, naturally. Were his ancestors walking around in bleach?

I just don't get it Barack... SMH... I'm just glad you didn't get a pit, that would've been some shit for Fox to report. "News just in: President Obama gets a pit-bull terrier... We think he named him Killa-Mike.."

But foreal B.O., why did you name your dog Bo. That was just not a decision you ran by the cabinet. You certainly did not run it pass Shelly. I have noticed that you are a man of exotic names though, just based on the names of people around (i.e. Malaia, Biden, Napolitono, Steven Chu etc....)

Actually, weird names are American. The president is the best example, but weird dog names are not.You liberals just do whatever you want, whenever you want. Name your dogs your intials and call it a day? NO! BO is not acceptable.

What is your dog's name, is it your initials?

OBAMA WTF WERE YOU THINKING!

Tax Day Tea Party ???

Ok, Conservative America, could you be anymore original? Also, are these people slow? Did anyone read the tax plan proposed by Obama, he just took it back to the days of Clinton And George Herbert Walker, A REPUBLICAN!

What good does pouring Arizona Raspberry off a yacht mean? Are you guys serious? But, I am glad you guys are wasting your money on this dumb shit because Arizona Iced Tea sales are already up for the month.

Most of the people complaining about their taxes going up, ARE NOT IN THE BRACKET OF TAX INCREASES. Your household income must be more than $603,000 a year. Children of engineers, news anchors, principals, (most) lawyers, (most) doctors, almost anything..... you are not being taxed more! And if you were, I bet you my whole income that pouring prepared Lipton off the coast of Belle Isle WON'T DO SHIT!

I expected people to complain because [Obama] he's black, but that hasn't happened. Instead people want to complain about the people with a bunch of illegal immigrants working in their house, getting their taxes taken back to normal!

Stop it, your 'teaparty' is dumb. Personally I think it was dumb the first time, but at least it was because the British were taxing tea! The right-wing is just in an idea recession.... (if you haven't already noticed: Palin, The Arnold, Iraq for WMDs, Bill O'Reilley, Glen Beck, Fox News, Gucci Mane the Black Republicane..smh)


I Pledge Allegiance to Cali-forni-AH, In My Itty Bitty Un-da-wayah

Sometimes a picture is worth so few words.... SMH....

"Gucci Mane, The Africane/ And I'm a Black Republicane! Aghh!

Tax Day Tea Party ???

This Week In Kids

Sooo, you know Saturdays are my photo blog days.... therefore, let me show y'all my son (according to Maury Pouvich)....

At least he's a cute baby. He has been watching his grandma a bit much and wants to be firefighter when he grows up. However, he is hardheaded like his pops and took matters into his own hands.

Then his partner in "nap-time-crime," brought his dream to reality when he blew a bit to hard for his birthday wish.

A few of the guest needed rescuing.... But the pre-school nor the fire academy prepared Alexander Jr. (ACCORDING TO MAURY) for the type of situation he was about face...

She was a bit hard to rescue....

He was harder!... Btw, his parents are cruel for taking his picture when their shitty potty training cost him his dryness.

This Week In Kids

Breast Cancer and Fellatio, No, Fareal....

My friend, who I respect and trust made a face book status that shocked me. This is what it said: "Only with regular occurrence will your chances [of breast cancer] be reduced, so I encourage all women out there to make fellatio an important part of their daily routine," said Dr. Helena Shifteer, one of the researchers at the University. "Since the emergence of the research, I try to fellate at least once every other night to reduce my chances."- I'm not making this up.

I was like, WTF? Breast Cancer is very serious, it is the number two cause of death of American women. I thought, "He can't be serious," but before I made any accusations I did my research.

Sooo, like we kids do these days, I typed it in Google. This BS was all over the internet. It was crawled on about 500 sites, mostly message boards and blogs, but a lot of sites. But I know better, so I looked it up in the Google news search. NOTHING! Then I thought I should search a few academic databases. I did exactly that, JSTOR, google Scholar, NOTHING!

That's when I decided it was bull shit for serious. That was really scary at first because I did not want to ever say **** my **** and you won't get breast cancer, that's low. I'm strangely glad that this is BS. HOWEVER, the risk of cancer is reduced by stress; furthermore, your relationships whill be a lot less stressful if you just do what you already know you should do...


Superhead!



Closing Remark:
I take cancer very serious, and I am just encouraging everyone to lighten up. It will help you immensely... I promise!

Breast Cancer and Fellatio, No, Fareal....

I got dat "Crabbe Grass"

Remember Crabbe & Goyle, a.k.a.: Malfoy's Female Dogs... Crabbe is little crazier than first suspected....

This is great. I am so glad for the 'Harry Potter' cast because now they have some street cred. Slytherin is supposed to be scum, too cool for school, and most of all, ABOUT THAT GREEN. It reminds me of one of my favorite Three Six songs' hook:
"Who got that Hydro, Who got that Light Green?"
"Who got that Bobby Brown, Who got Bin Laden weed!"
I said... (then it repeats hellas)

But it just makes me think so much about Crabbe's ass, whose real name is irrelevant (Jaime Waylett, haha). If he was a rapper I got him a bangin' hook already for his "Southern Smoke" tour:
"Who got that Canada, Who got that Michigan?"
"Who got that Skunk 2, Who got that Slytherin!"
! I said... (in the most Britishest of accents)

Crabbe bro, you're the man. Every true Harry Potter fan wanted to whoop your ass! Now they just wanna smoke with you, and that's chill. I knew Draco's pops wasn't gettin all those rupees off the Ministry of Magic.

Did Hagrid show you how to grow that stuff because I know he was growing cush in the patch next to them monsters. That's why he had that big-ass three headed pit-bull, so if the feds came they would have trouble.

I just have one concern Crabbe, I hope this doesn't mean you sniffin that floo powder bro.. I have seen what it does to folks and it wouldn't be pretty.

My advice to you is to stay away from Draco bro, HE HOT as hell! Every time the Ministry sees him they're watching, unless they his death eater cousins. Just keep it clean bro, and keep the Crabbe Grass in the headshops...

('he hot'- means the authorities watch him because a frequent criminal behavior, just so there's no confusion there folks..)

Take a listen..

I got dat "Crabbe Grass"

Ethnic Stereotypes That Offend?

Ok, I heard from someone, who heard from someone else, who was allegedly watching 'The View,' that they were discussing the times before "Political Correctness." [I wasn't watching 'The View' or anything.] I'm still not completely Politically correct because I trust my mind, and don't really think poorly about any particular 'group.' But, I tried to list the stereotypes etc.. about Negros that still piss me off, because, well, I'm a negro.

• When I am referred to as 'Colored,' come on? WTF, it's not 1923?
• When people make a racially driven comment about my black-ass liking Watermelon, I don't even like it like that. I mean, if you got some... (I'm playin')
• When a random white dude, at a college especially, thinks I have drugs...
• When people assume I steal.
• When muufuckas think I can "hoop." I can dunk but that's about it.
• When people assume I have nappy hair, I don't. And if i did, so what?
• When peopleask if I live on the Eastside (Detroit). How do they make that assumption, the Westside has been primarily black since 1976...
• When people think I'm fast, I'm not that fast damnit.
• When people assume I entertain, I do. But it has nothing to do with my race.

• Anything the Po-lice think.

Now the for Stereotypes I love....

• When people ask if I have ever seen a gun.
  
• When girls assume I have a large Man Stick. (I am preeeeeeettty sure I am a normal dude, but ok!)
  
• When people think I will whoop their ass. Except my boy Nate, "you can get your ass kicked if you're any race!"
• When people think I can hoop, so I get picked early in pick-ups.
• Anything connected to Obama...

I would like to include other races and their stereotypes but I don't know how y'all feel about shit. Share one you like or don't like though, I am interested.

Ethnic Stereotypes That Offend?