Fart and Laugh: 1 in 3 Fart and Laugh Posts Are Worth Reading

(new author)

Last year was my first year at UofM, and there's a crazy amount of pressure to actually pick a major. I have finally decided what I want to study: statistics.

A lot of people say that stuff like statistics and marketing is a cop out. Its what people do when they have no real desires. Don't think that. I know what I want. I've spent many sleepless nights thinking about this issue.

See, I know what you're thinking, because I read the minds of readers (I'm a reader mind reader). You are thinking "Luke, its not that serious, its just statistics". See, that's where you're wrong, statistics are the leading cause of depression in the nation. Yeah, how's that for a serious statistic?.

7 in 10 statistics are made up on the spot.
Didn't know that, did you? I made it up.

All this depression gives statisticians a bad name. When have you ever heard a happy statistic? You never hear somebody say "reading blogs increases intelligence by 18 percent" its always something like "15 percent of America's time is wasted reading blogs per day". That's depressing. In the midst of an economic crisis, you are reading this you are wasting America's time. Some statistician is out there gettin' paid to tell you depressing stats. Its messed up, the whole system is just corrupt. What does statistics do to make people happy? Nothing.

I will right these wrongs, integrity will be restored to the profession of statistics. Statisticians will be more sought after then doctors once I am in the game.

1 in 10 men die of testicular cancer.
Lance Armstrong screwed somebody over.

But it doesn't have to be that way. No sir. Once I'm in the stats game, I'm gonna be spewing happy statistics all over the place. I want to come up with statistics that make people laugh, stuff that people hear and go "man, my life has improved since learning that information".

But what kind of stats will make people happy? That was my biggest dilemma. Until I got to thinking, Marcus is right, farts really are the solution to everything.

How many people fart a day? At any given moment, is there somebody on the planet farting? What is the machine gun fart to wet fart ratio (aka the brown ratio)? I do not know the answers to these questions. But when I do, it will make you happy.

8.5/10 people try to compress their sneezes.
Now, stats like these confuse me. Did only one half of a conjoined twin participate or what?
As a statistician, I won't be cutting anybody in half.

One stat you can be sure of though: Fart and Laugh will double its fan base within a week of me jumping on board.