Europe > America

(new author)

America is widely known as the greatest nation in the world. While some believe this with an undoubted assurance (see: Republican Party, hillbillies), there are those of us that cannot imagine why, specifically those that understand how Fox News is complete bull. Why we might seem pretty good at times, democracy and baseball come to mind, we really aren’t all that good. I’m not gonna bring our economy into it (because it’s a worldwide recession) nor us electing George Bush twice (every country has a dark point in its history), but I’m gonna relate it to sports. Here’s why.

Number 1: The word “big” is a perfectly acceptable nickname for a sports star: i.e. Big Papi (sure hes not from America, but he’s here now), and Big Baby (both the basketball and the football player). This shows that an extra Big Mac here and there and here and there is ok, and this encourages the kids….to eat. You won’t see that in Europe.

Number 2: In America, smashing people is a great excuse for a sport, just throw some pads in there. Don’t get me wrong, I love big hits in football and hockey, not to mention hockey is the only sport where fighting is acceptable while still able to stay in the game. But imagine these men when they retire. Their brains must be smashed to a pulp; this could be why kids sit in front of the T.V. all day. They're trying to aspire to be like their role models once they retire. Last time I checked, neither football nor hockey is too popular in Europe (don’t try to correct my grammar, Microsoft Word spell checked it).

Number 3: Nascar is a sport. Sure, Europe has Formula 1 and stuff, but at least those drivers can turn both ways. How much skill does it take to drive straight and hang a left? Imagine those guys driving in the real world. A curve to the right on the highway would cause a multiple car pile up. Not a good idea. In addition to it not being difficult in the slightest, Nascar can also literally kill you. I talked with Fart and Laughs own Luke the Statistician, and he determined that cars are the number 1 killer of people in this country (I don't know how accurate that could be, he hasnt graduated with his Statistician degree just yet). In any event, they kill a lot of people. So why even do it if it risks death?

I have figured out one thing to solve all of this: get good at soccer. This is the biggest sport in the world as far as publicity is concerned, so if they’re looking for a upped T.V. ratings, soccer is the way to go. This solves a couple of the issues I presented.

• Have you ever seen a fat soccer player? NO. Have you ever tried to do a bicycle kick? Now add 200 pounds and try to do it, you can’t even get to the ball quick enough. Obesity problem solved.

• Soccer is the most non-contact sport ever, except for the watered down version of basketball they now call the NBA, where you can’t look sideways at LeBron James without getting a technical flagrant 2 foul and a 3 game suspension plus a fine and multiple days of ridicule on Sportscenter. All these retired football players (I’m gonna start using the word football because it applies to soccer WAY more than American football. Hey, there’s another good reason America sucks, they can’t even name their sports in a way that pertains to the content of the sport. Wtf does soccer even mean?) are fine in their old age, no brain damage to speak of, AND they’re still in good shape. American football players cannot say the same.
  
• Ok, Nascar and football are not related in any way at all, but the fact that Nascar exists as a “sport” just urks me. It’s just glorified traffic…all you’re doing is driving a car around a track. That doesn’t define a sport in the any way, shape, or form.

So America, take a hint from Europe. They have to be doing something right, they kept the Euro at a decent enough amount of value. Maybe football can do it, maybe it can’t. But what I do know is we will have smarter, more in shape old people (which would translate into more fit and intelligent kids), which would maybe cause one of these old retired people to disband Nascar as a sport and rename it as a form of recreation…or just as a form of something people do on a daily basis that can’t really be called anything out of the ordinary. In any case, football cannot do any harm that I can see. They’ll even make the kids better actors, cause everyone knows football players can win Academy Awards if they opened a category for best fake injury without even being touched. Come on America, do something good for once. Make these last 300 years actually mean something besides the atomic bomb and democracy. Make it mean real football.

Europe > America