On the Set of Hotel Rwanda 2: The Return of the Tutsi Cockaroaches!

My new job is an amazing experience. I am a census enumerator. Specifically, my job is to walk through Detroit updating maps and address information. There is a lot of danger in that description alone. But, I am assigned to some of the most violent areas in Detroit. I know you are thinkin... How Fun! Not at all homies..

(can you believe they make us walk with that nice thingger-mer-bob -a.k.a. 'please rob me!')

Incident 1

Yesterday, I was walking down a s[c]reet on the Eastside (it's 'screet' on the Eastside) called G****, and I went up to this one house with a rope hanging out it and a trapper fence up. A man walked outside who was either retarded or Spanish because he was speaking broken english and struggled to not make sense. I told him I was with the Census Bureau; shortly after, Hell commenced.

A.M.B.W. (hint* Mad and Woman in that acronym) busted through the front door. She screamed, "you with the Muufuckin Feds?!* Get the hell off my motha fuckin* property hoe, before I kill you!" Then I just started laughing because she was so mad about a professional counter. She realized the joke was on her, so the blaxican and I just fell to the ground with our laughter... She took her mad ass back in, and I left.

(I haven't seen a white man in weeks, for some reason, that scares me)

Incident 2

While I was talking with a resident whose house was on my list, he stopped me in the middle of the conversation...`He told me, "you can come in cuzzo, if you want to and shit, but I know you got dat Mag in the bookbag (reffering to my census bag)." I just asked why. But before he responded, I noticed the reason. It was like a scene fresh out of Blood Diamond, or Hotel Rwanada. An angry mob of tall black men, pumpin' fists and [kitchen knives], were coming straight towards my block. My canvassee just said, "they unknown to dis block and need to be ran off dis bitch.*" Soon later, children without shoes, shirts and belts, ran across the street screaming unintelligible phrases laden with only one term familiar to me: 'nigga.'*

This is all true, and was just as crazy when it happened. Even I cannot believe what I wrote is true, and it happened to me! W.T.F....

*sorry for the language but I am trying to give it to you straight./I love the D and wish this was not the case...

On the Set of Hotel Rwanda 2: The Return of the Tutsi Cockaroaches!